Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Spencer Crandall - Made (Lyrics) (youtube.com)

I’m not embarrassed to say I cried my eyes out last night because I knew it was time to say goodbye to you. Somewhere in the back of my heart and mind, I knew there was a tiny little bit of hope I had kept tucked away just on the off chance you finally figured out you loved me. Ridiculous I realize, but I’m a romantic, I love a good underdog story (I’ll let you decide who the underdo g in this scenario was), and it would have made a great Hallmark movie if the ending would’ve gone that way. But life is hard, and some endings are just endings without the mutual closure that might have felt good. So, I will write my own ending that is really a beginning for me as I have finally become the woman, I believe God intended me to be. Not the one that life knocked around and nearly buried, but the one who rose up from the ashes with lots of help and finally let the light inside her radiate all the goodness and love that is inside her to leave this world just a little bit better than she found it. And while you never could tell me soberly what I meant to you, I am going to choose to believe that you cared so deeply it scared the shit out of you and that is why you co uldn’t give me the gift of your feelings.

I hope the gift of my love to you in some small way helped you be better able to love another now.

Gratefully, GB

Spencer Crandall – Made Lyrics | Genius Lyrics

I received an unexpected text from John several weeks later asking if he could come by for a drink. I was still stuck downstairs and didn’t have company often anymore, so I said sure he could come but he’d have to make the drinks himself. Since we hadn’t spoke n, he didn’t know about my confinement. When he arrived, he asked if there was anything else I needed before he went upstairs to fix our drinks. I told him actually Kylee had left a load of laundry in the washer earlier in the day, so if he could move those things to the dryer , that’d be great. And I recalled that he didn’t dry all of his clothes, so I told him to do the same with mine that he would with his. There were a few other little things he did for me, and I was very appreciative of his help. There were no hugs given since I couldn’t stand up easily and since he had a girlfriend. He sat on the couch, and I used the crutches and moved there so I could see him. Given our history, I didn’t think laying on my makeshift “ bed ,” the only other option in the room, was a good idea, but we stayed at opposite ends of the couch. He was aware my feet get discolored when they’re cold, so when he saw them, he asked if I wanted him to get me some socks. My feet were really cold, so I said yes please. He found them in the closet and came over and proceeded to put them on my feet for me. By this time, I had learned how to receive help and I think he was stunned. It was hard to believe I was the same person who wouldn’t previously allow him to do much of anything for me, even when I was struggling. It felt so good to have him care for me in these ways, and I wished so much that I could have learned the lesson years earlier. Even though I knew it was just a friendly visit, it was so very good to see him. He opened up and talked to me just like he always had, but then after a couple hours he left abruptly without telling me why. It was OK, though, I was just glad he had come by and that I had finally allowed myself to experience receiving his help and care. It may not sound like it was a big deal, but it was to me. Previously , even though it wasn’t a conscious decision , I just always took care of myself, proved I didn’t need anyone, and that I was capable of doing everything myself. But on this night, I got to sit back and allow him to care for me like he had always wanted to. And I enjoyed every moment of his presence with only appreciation when he left instead of sadness. I was just grateful for all the lessons and the love and about a month later, the following song was released. While I really was cheering him on with his girlfriend, now that I had seen him and experienced him in a different way than ever before, there was a part of me that wished he would catch a glimpse of us. I listened to this song all summer and it didn’t make me sad, it just made me wistful.

Joji - Glimpse of Us (Lcs) (youtube.com)

“ You don't think your way into a new kind of living. You live your way into a new kind of thinking .” Henri J.M. Nouwen

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