Brave Enough To Be Bliss

my brain at all. I just enjoyed every pleasurable moment. I wasn’t thinking about what I should be doing for him or if he was enjoying himself or if I was doing something wrong or if he was feeling a part of my body that I believed must feel awful, I didn’t feel worried about anything at all. I had actually been in my body, not my mind. By the time I knew it really could happen, I didn’t have time to dissect my decision or worry about anything. I just allowed the present to be what it was right then without attaching any expectations to it. I knew there was no commitment, but there was caring, so it just felt good, light, and happy. It wasn’t that it meant nothing, it just didn’t mean everything. Everything had always so very deeply emotional for me, but on this night, I just got to feel what I felt physically without worrying about anything. It felt like I should feel bad, but I just didn’t. I felt free and light like the evening before, and now I knew how it could and should be with someone I loved. I didn’t need to be in my brain, those worries were all about things I made up in my mind, the things all those voices had said for so many years. It didn’t mean it was real, just because the voices had said it. And if I was really as repulsive as the voices said I was, I really don’t think Allen would have been with me. I had the following quote below in my file , but it wasn’t until I searched the author’s name that I found the link with so much more applicable information . It’s definitely worth the read. I hadn’t ever really worried about my age when I turned another year older, there were too many other things to feel badly and beat myself up about already, but because Allen was so much younger, it had come to my mind. But this whole experience with him simply felt like another brushstroke on the masterpiece I was becoming. I think it’s worth reading the last part again, “While youth is bestowed upon us by nature, age requires our active participation and intentionality to craft a life that is fulfilling and meaningful. By introducing the concept of age as an infinite canvas on which we continually create and redefine our existence , we reveal the profound potential and transformative power that comes with the passage of time. So, let us embrace the journey of aging, taking every opportunity to paint our lives with wisdom, purpose, and joy. ” I realize there will be people who will judge me for having sex with Allen, but clearly with all I’ve shared in this book, what other people think about me ju st doesn’t matter. If there’s any sin involved, that’s between God and I and I assure you we’ve already worked that out . But it didn’t feel like a sin before, during or after. It felt enlightening and like a pure gift that had been given and something I had earned the right to learn after working with Ginger so long and so hard to erase the decades of rape, perfectionism, fear, and control that had limited and ruined every relationship I had with a man. So, on this one night, I got to escape all of that and learn what it felt like to be fully in my body without my brain getting in the way. And not that it’s anyone’s business, but while I did see him after that , we didn’t have sex again. I can say no, that was just a special experience I learned so much from and will always be grateful for. And I sent him an email that weekend to make sure he knew how much getting to know him had meant to me. On Saturday, March 5, 2022, 12:01 PM, Ginger Bliss wrote: Allen, I wanted to take a moment to thank you for the time we spent together the other night, but as much for the emails, texts, phone conversations we’ve had over the past six months or so. I didn’t know it would lead to you spending the night at my house , of course, but I felt a connection with you and knew you would have some impact on my life or me on yours. Your encouragement with my knee has been very helpful. Your willingness to let me express frustration has been extremely generous and kind. Thank you. Obviously, I found you very attractive from the moment I met you and I think we have great chemistry, but it was more the sharing of interests, history, experiences that led me to feel comfortable enough to just go with everything the other night. I enjoyed every single minute I was with you without having one negative thought about myself. I have never been able to be with a man and just be fully myself. I wasn’t thinking, I was just feeling and experiencing instead of worrying about how my body looked or felt, worrying about what I was supposed to be doing, worrying if I was doing the right or wrong things, worrying about what you were feeling, worrying about if I would ever see you again…and the list could go on and on. I simply received what you had to g ive in that moment for whatever it was. Perhaps that is the key to joy. Living in the present moment without expectation and with appreciation. I would love to know your story. We all have one, the trials that have led us to where we are today. I hope one day you will want to share it with me. To be totally honest, I told my friend at work the day after we met that I felt that is why we met, to learn something Stanislaw Lec: 'Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art.' — The Socratic Method (socratic-method.com) “Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art.” Stanislaw Lec

233