Brave Enough To Be Bliss

I know a woman who as a child told her mom that her father was abusing her, and the mother told her child she was lying and refused to believe her. We can judge the mother and think she doesn’t love the daughter, but it isn’t really about love, it’s about fear. It’s unlikely t he mother wanted her daughter to be hurt by her father, but she let fear win in her brain and just shut it all down. Unfortunately, because of that, eventually it came out that he had hurt others. Both parents hurt the daughter, but it ’s very important to assign the blame appropriately. The mother should have believed and supported her daughter and by responding the way she did, she is responsible for inflicting that pain on the child. But it is the father who is 100% responsible for the crime. Without the perpetrator, no one is hurt. We want someone else to be in control because that feels safer for us, but the fact is we do not have control over who a perpetrator will be. By placing shame anywhere but with the perpetrator we will not solve the issues that exist. The perpetrator deserves 100% of the responsibility because that is the only way to make it safe for everyone else to talk about it, and it is through talking about it without shame that we can make a real impact. Our brains are powerful, but with knowledge and experience we can make a difference for those who suffer now and for future generations. We just have to be open to talking and learning about things that make us feel scared , but once we acknowledge the fear, we can move through it and eventually it won’t be as uncomfortable and scary as it feels right now. Another woman in her late 30s grew up with multiple abusers. Her husband has told her he doesn’t feel like she lets her walls down and is very defensive. He wondered if she had been bullied, but she had n’t. She was actually very well liked, had a lot of friends, but has struggled with self-esteem throughout her life. The following list is just a few of the things that happened to her. ▪ Sexually molested beginning around 3-4 years old and while she can’t remember how long it went on, she does remember every detail of the abuse by the babysitter’s brother , who was 11 years old. She didn’t tell anyone until she was 19. ▪ Worked in a store by herself at age 15. A man from the community, in his 50s, would come in, corner her, stand too close, ask details about her boyfriend, if he kissed her, if she liked it, etc. She told her dad about it, and he told her to call him when that man came in the store, so she wouldn ’t be alone , but he did nothing to confront the man. ▪ Her uncle gave her lavish gifts and told her when he abused her that it’s a secret and that she was his "favorite niece." ▪ Her cousin groped her, carried a water bottle of liquor at all times and consistently told her if they got married, she could keep her last name. She told her dad, and he said , "If it gets too out of hand, I’ll say something.” I am going to trust that father’s unsupportive behavior doesn’t even need explanation. It is to be expected that anyone who has endured all of that and more would certainly have built walls to protect herself, and when criticized by a man would get very defensive because she had to learn to take care of herself since no one else did. When we have not yet healed our own wounds, the troublesome behaviors in our relationships will be those we had to use to protect ourselves from pain.

The following are excerpts from a late-night Facebook Messenger conversation where a friend disclosed more about her abuse and the challenges she experiences as a result.

Friend You know the popular saying time is a thief. Shame is the greatest thief of all. Ginger Indeed, it is, you are so right! Friend

In my case there was a pattern of sexual abuse by one individual that began roughly pre-k/kindergarten and continued through jr high, including being penetrated with objects. The last incident I forced my way out of a closet he had us in where he was about to make me perform oral sex. I never told a soul til I told my sister in college.

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