Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 11 — Self-Compassion

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” Jack Kornfield

I had always been able to see clearly when others lacked self- compassion, although I wouldn’t have referred to it by that term. I would suggest that others be nicer to themselves, not so harsh and critical, to give themselves a break . I would say things like, don’t beat yourself up about any one mistake, we all make them . So, when I first started talking with Ginger, it seemed like she didn’t understand : I was the exception. She just didn’t know yet how awful I was, or she’d understand why self - compassion didn’t really apply to me. As I think back to the first Arizona trip now, I also think there was part of me that just wanted to succeed at whatever she was telling me, so I could model appropriately for Kylee and be done with it . If she could “fix” me quickly, then all this pain would be gone, and we could move on with life. If I checked all the boxes, if I completed all the tasks, I could tackle this self-compassion thing just like everything else in life. I knew I was broken, but I just had to get fixed enough that I didn’t appear to be broken. And then I read something that made everything else Ginger had said come together in a way that changed how I felt about brokenness. One of the reasons I became a client was that I didn’t want to be a hypocrite to Kylee, but the article below slapped me in the face with the fact I already had been a hypocrite for years to her and so many others.

“You can’t have real self-compassion without first facing the truth about who you are and what you feel.” Susan David

The following link will take you to an article about Kintsugi, a pottery repair technique that doesn’t hide the break but emphasizes it . I hadn’t ever heard of it before and loved the concept so much that I bought the piece of art shown in this photo for Kylee. The link does require you to sign in, so I’ll share several quotes from the article that really made a significant impression on me. However, if this resonates with you, I encourage you to read the entire article. I found it so impactful, I have shared it with others and also printed it for my own future reference. The article ( KINTSUGI AND THE ART OF REPAIR: life is what makes us | by Andrea Mantovani | Medium) explains why the art is also important for us as humans stating, “You probably don’t expect other people to be perfect. You may in fact appreciate when people expose their vulnerabilities, show old wounds or admit mistakes. ”

The article goes on to explain that while we can appreciate others being vulnerable , it’s much more difficult for us to do that ourselves, because we understand others’ flaws abstractly but see our own concretely. In other words, we actually feel the things that happen to us, but because we only hear or read stories about other people ’s mistakes , they stay at a safe distance and we don’t have to actually experience them. My favorite quote from the entire article is, “Vulnerability is courage in you but inadequacy in me: that’s completely wrong. Like the kintsugi crafters who repaired the shogun’s bowl with gold long ago, imperfections are gifts to be worked with, not shames to be hidden. ”

“It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion, and connection.” Brené Brown

It took time, effort, and a lot of intention to stop listening to the very loud voices in my head that had been shouting at me to be perfect all my life. But once I did that, corralled them into the basement and locked the door, it became more and more rare that any of them would find a new way to sneak out. But even when one or two of them did, I began to recognize it more quickly and push them back down more firmly than ever before.

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