Brave Enough To Be Bliss

previously where it felt so real and being able to remember it now and not spiral, and to have gained seven pounds...and to not be in complete depression, that's progress.

The following are texts between John and I on September 3, 2021.

GB: Good morning! It was fun talking to you the other night. I can’t undo having sex with you that first night. I should have said yes, of course I want to go out with you first. I absolutely did want to go out with you, I just hadn’t ever had a physical desire like that, we had become good friends by then, so the emotional connection was there and I just made an intoxicated, unwise decision. I also shouldn’t have left that night to go home and change clothes for work. And then not being completely open and honest about it after that, perpetuated this pattern we have continued all these years. I want you as desperately as I wanted you that first night. I just want a healthy relationship with you even more so I’m willing to say no to sex unless we can have both. Hope you have a great day! ❤️ JV: Good afternoon! Very intense and enjoyable exchanges indeed. I appreciate the honesty and resistance. mmm mmm. My professional life is up in the air. My wish is a lead on where I’m going to land. If the job doesn’t come through here, I’m likely headed west for a contract. Frustrated And more so with myself on many levels. You are so good to me. I pray one day I’ll muster the courage to more than dip my toes in relationship waters. Honesty, no cliffs. I hope you won’t be mad. GB: That’s very understandable to be frustrated professionally. I hope they make it right for you there or that you at least land where you will be happy. Who are your people? I hope you are talking through all your frustrations. You need to talk to people who know you well and who you’re really honest with. You process through things when you talk about them just like when I write a bout them. I am definitely not mad at you for being honest. I appreciate it. So that I am crystal clear, is your plan that we will just never see each other again, since it won’t be for sex, and based on the past year you don’t have interest in being real friends aga in?

JV: Never not in my vocabulary.

GB: Ok, fair enough. It is a “big” word. I will join you and pray that you will continue to learn and grow understanding how your past affects your present and how fear limits your life. Then you can have a future full of other bigger and better words like love, joy, fulfillment, and peace. You may be aware, but jus t in case you aren’t, the fear you expressed of hurting me is just something you use to push people away. For some reason, this woman who lived in fear of all things for decades wasn’t scared away from you. Just good to be aware of and to learn your other sabotaging ways (like I had to) and make sure you don’t push away someone who would be worth it all to you. Not mad, in fact, you remain one of my favorite human beings.

“An unhealed person can find offense in pretty much anything someone does. A healed person understands that the actions of others have absolutely nothing to do with them. Each day you get to decide which one you will be. ” Unknown September 16, 2021, at 11:15 PM, Ginger Bliss sent John the following text and photo. It turns out I like my hair longer and wearing less make up whenever possible, so thanks for the suggestions. At the times you said things like that, I unnecessarily took great offense. I was cleaning the bathroom mirror a little bit ago and it struck me how much more relaxed I am about everything. It turns out I don’t like working all the time . I don’t like taking a shower everyday so if I don’t feel like it or need to I don’t. The toilets can go 3-4 weeks without being cleaned before there are water stains, and dusting is unnecessary before then too, and if someone comes over before I feel like cleaning I don’t apologize or feel embarrassed, not even with one of my friends who is like I used to be but worse . I ate more than usual today because I was just extra hungry and that’s ok. And if I eat sometimes because I’m sad, well that’s ok too and I don’t beat myself up about it. I am going to exercise shortly but not because I’m working it off, I just feel like running after not being able to do so while on vaca. I laid around on the couch most of the afternoon and watched a movie this evening and cried during it because it was touching and sad and happy. I reflected on all these things and then saw in the mirror

that my hair was messy and not the cleanest, I was sweaty and likely stinky from working up a sweat with laundry, unpacking, cleaning upstairs, but I still looked happy and healthy and that’s good enough. BTW I’m not giving up mascara and lipstick completely, because I just happen to like them but I no longer need to hide behind a mask anymore trying to appear perfect. So anyway, if someone tells me I’m hotter now than I was before , I would no longer take offense, I would just smile, say thank you and believe it. Sweet dreams “It’s easy to judge. It’s more difficult to understand. Understanding requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to believe that good hearts sometimes choose poor methods. Through judging, we separate. Through understanding, we grow.” Doe Zantamata

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