Brave Enough To Be Bliss

people to see, but the inside was even worse . Hell, I didn’t want to see it and did everything I could never to look. Instead, I put all my energy into appearing as perfect as I could so maybe no one would find out about the real me.

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.” Albus Dumbledore

Periodic breaks can be very healthy, and some people watch TV, read, or play video games for entertainment or education. They can visit places or situations that aren’t their reality for a few minutes or a couple hours, but there are others who use these things as an escape and it dominates their days, weeks, months, years and sadly sometimes even a lifetime. Some people use alcohol and drugs to dull or temporarily numb the pain they are living in. In moderation, these things may not be bad. But it’s when t hese escape mechanisms become necessary rather than optional, and they begin to dominate a person’s life, that they can cause harm to themselves or others. My escape was work. Whether in my career or at home, I worked. I kept busy. I had things to do, I always had things to do. Relaxing, sitting still, doing nothing, napping…that was simply out of the question. I had to keep busy. I had to be productive. I could not be alone with myself. Why would I want to be? Why would anyone want to be?

My career was a safe place. At work I was able to have some semblance of confidence. I knew I wasn’t the smartest or most talented, but I could outwork almost anyone. I learned that lesson in high school cross country. I had always loved sports, but I just wasn’t very good at any of them. The coach approached me about joining the cross country team as a freshman right before the season started. That effort made me feel seen and wanted which was unusual, so I took a chance and tried it. Since I hadn’t trained prior to the season, I wasn’t in shape and was generally in the back of the pack that season. However, I liked the fact it was more of an individual sport yet still had a team element. It wasn’t as obvious when I let the team down and there were fewer sp ectators, so I felt less like a loser. I quickly learned that with consistent training, even a person without talent like me could lower a personal best time pretty quickly and that was always recognized. I knew I could improve and even if I wasn’t ever going to be good, I could at least be better.

After a few races, I figured out I could pass competitors going uphill, which surprised and discouraged them judging by the looks on their faces. Sure, it

was hard physically, but running uphill was more about mental toughness so I used that to my advantage. I do remember how frustrating it was that I could pass runners going uphill but never downhill. How was that possible? But the sport still gave me some hope and I figured if I also trained in the summer, I could be decent. I just didn’t feel quite as o ut of place, or on display, like I did in other sports. There was also a sense of family that was special with cross country, including both the boys’ and girls’ teams, coaches and all the parents.

My dad and I had always bonded over a love of sports, so by my junior year I was excited for him to watch me run. Even though he lived in another town, he had always been good about coming to watch my basketball games, but I didn’t even play much so while I appreciated that he made the effort, I was really just embarrassed and felt like I was letting him down. I now realize the cross country meets began before the workday ended, but as a teenager that really hadn’t entered my mind as a possible reason for h im not attending cross country as much as evening basketball games.

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