Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 4 — Behind the Mask Chapter Dedication: Karlene Ethel Lindenmuth, December 29, 1968-April 21, 2016, and Neljean Reavis, February 10, 1969-May 20, 1991 “I want to suggest some of the things that should begin your life’s blueprint. Number one…should be a deep belief in your own dignity. Your worth and your own somebodiness…Always feel that you count, always feel that you have worth, and always feel that your life has ultimate significance.” Martin Luther King Jr.

When I was young, people would make comments about my hair or clothes and I always thought they were making fun of me. And I tried so hard. I tried so hard to be perfect. I spent time thinking about what to wear, I spent time trying to have every hair in place. But it was never enough. I was never enough. This song will help you understand how I felt .

Mark Wills - Don't Laugh At Me (Official Music Video) (youtube.com)

I tried hard to follow every rule and never upset anyone. I remember in kindergarten, our teacher instructed us to

fold back our Weekly Readers with the fold precisely down the middle of the three tiny x’s, but apparently, I didn’t fold it well enough, and she came by and slapped my hand. I don’t remember much of my childhood, but I remember that. Kids and adults would say mean things, or at least I took them that way, and often they would say they were ”just teasing” if I looked upset. Then they would say I was too sensitive, and I should be able to “take a joke.” I learned to push back the tears, push down the feelings and not let it show when I was hurting. But inside, my heart was breaking a little more with each and every comment.

“The tongue has no bones but is strong enough to break a heart. So be careful with your words.” Unknown

I never forgot the words that were said to cut me. I used them to punish myself for not being perfect. They became my words, then I would expand on them, and I would give myself an even more brutal tongue lashing than anyone else. While I carefully selected every word that left my mouth, it was the words I said silently to myself that were deadly. I had promised myself I would never say anything to anyone else that I would ever regret or need to apologize for. I was confident, I would never hurt anyone with my words. But it had never even entered my mind that I was hurting myself with my words more than anyone else ever had or could.

“If I can survive the war that I battle with myself I can survive anything.” Unknown

The “jokes” and “teasing” continued into adulthood but by then I had at least gained some assurance in my professional persona. In that realm, I felt like people saw this person on the outside who was respectable, intelligent, valued…the opposite of who I felt I was on the inside. They saw someone who looked put together with a smile on her face, but on the inside, I wasn’t smiling, I didn’t feel put together. It was all fake. I couldn’t let anyone get to know me because the inside wasn’t anything like the outside. It was all messy and ugly in there. No one would want to know that. No one could possibly like, not to mention love, the real me and it was a full-time job keeping everyone from finding out who I was on the inside. The outside was bad enough for

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