Brave Enough To Be Bliss

I cannot promise I won’t ever be unaware in an instant when the reptilian brain takes charge at the wrong time, but I can promise you I am working every day to keep that from happening. I would so appreciate you asking me questions if I say or do something that seems inconsistent or confusing. Please know I can and actually would prefer to talk to you in person now. Writing isn’t a crutch anymore to be able to say what I can’t say in person.

Ok more than enough, but you more than anyone other than Ginger has been on this journey with me, so just had to share the happy moment of reflection which then led to the rest.

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” Brené Brown

From: Ginger Bliss To: John Mon, Oct 18, 2021 at 3:21 AM

I just woke up from the most strangely beautiful dream. I don’t know for sure what it was about, but I know it was about lett ing go and it was so utterly peaceful. It was about two brothers, one of them perhaps slightly disabled in some way and a sister. One knew he was dying, the other didn’t understand completely but he trusted his brother and followed his lead. There was more to the dream I don’t really remember, some drunken debauchery going on near there, but a pond or some body of water was nearby. They were flying some sort of remote airplanes, and they came down together in the water, the brothers were smiling, happy, but quietly, softly so. Their airplanes rested atop the water and came to rest gently floating near each other. The brothers were in the water, and I don’t know what these little ties led to but each one of them gently wrapped the line loosely around themselves, so they didn’t float away from each other but stayed close and they laid down in the water and floated on top falling asleep as their lives ended. The sister, I think it was, came upon them but she was not sad, she just joined them in the same way and no longer feared death but instead felt peace and joy no longer needing to hold so tightly to something that wasn’t hers. There was no sadness when I woke up. It seems like that should be a sad dream or a sad story to share, but it truly wasn’t. It felt just s o utterly peaceful. And all I thought of was I needed to write this down and tell John . I don’t know why, but it’s 3 a.m. and why the hell not. You’re the only person I ever talk to or want to talk to at 3 a.m. I don’t question everything anymore; I just listen and go with it. So, there you go, that was my strangely peaceful dream. I hope y ou’re resting well, my dearest friend and confidant. I may be crazy, but someday my crazy will be beautiful to somebody. If you’ve listened to your country songs, you’ll get that. ❤️ After that, I typed in this prayer. Heavenly Father, I don’t know if that dream was for John or me or both of us, but I believe it was from you. I don’t know if was about death or life, but I know it was about letting go and living. As I lay here it occurs to me that I feel movement in my gut and how something as natural as pooping, when unmentionable becomes unmanageable. How when a body is frozen, nothing moves, everything is stuck just like my memory was. I was frozen, my body, my mind…all frozen, unable to move. I was unable to breathe deeply, unable to be heard. My voice didn’t matter because I didn’t want to be heard, to be noticed, because I didn’t want to exist. But now I can breathe, my gut can move, I can be fully alive and not have to fear everything because I can say it all. I can be who I am without apology, without judgment, I can just be. I no longer need to live in a constant state of fear and control because everything, no matter what it is, has become manageable because it is mentionable. I don’t have to hold everything so tightly because it is not mine anyway and that’s OK. I am mine. I am OK. I can just be free to be fully me. That is all I truly need. Everything else can float loosely next to me as a complement, free to come and go, because we are at peace with each other no longer clinging too tightly but loosely attached to something holding us steady but not gripping us so tightly we cannot breathe. The ebb and flow of the water in the gentle breeze keeps us connected but floating freely. It’s about not fighting what is but rather embracing what will be. That is my gift seeing the ache and being able to soothe the wound. The refer ence above to “someday my crazy will be beautiful to somebody,” comes from a song I had sent John. I sometimes sent him country songs I thought might touch his heart and help him feel his feelings, which was one of the birthday wishes you’ll read about below. Compassion: My first wish for you is that you expand your ability to consistently show self-compassion for anything in the past that needs to be healed and moving forward in the present. Self-compassion allows us to acknowledge our mistakes, understand their impact, apologize as needed, and determine how to do better in the future. When we don’t show ourselves compassion, we remain stuck in the past and in some cases have the potential to continue making the same mistakes. And when we don’t show ongoing self - compassion, it’s very easy for our brains to return to the self-loathing tapes we had listened to before. A benefit of self-compassion is that it

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