Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Interestingly, though, I did find some of the early “homework” Ginger gave me and happy tears started welling up in my eyes as I read what I wrote…I think you’ll know why when you read. Because I know you have trouble reading my writing, I’ll make it easy for you. The directions were for me to circle all the words that resonated with me, could be 20-30. Then focusing on right now/this year (2019) I was to pick 10 that spoke to me (the red stars). Then I was to narrow that list to four (the yellow highlight). Beauty, compassion, fun, joy. Then I was to complete the next sheet with those four words/values at the center. Why important (the words)? Believing that I am worthy of feeling such things is key to me actually being able to experience them. And after a lifetime of crappy stuff, it’s time to experience the other side life can offer.

What happens when you forget these four things? I revert to old patterns of thinking and behavior. Or old patterns of behavior lead me to forget these four things. Chicken or egg?

One thing each day to contribute to living this way? Do not listen to the voices in my head. Keep in the basement…keep pushing them back down the stairs. (My visualization for the voices/inner critic) What happens when these are your focus? I don’t know that they are my focus as much as they are the resulting feelings when I don’t allow the bad feelings about me to guide my thinking/behavior. As I look back on all this it seems so clear even

though I know at the time it absolutely did not. Now I can see the “work” was all in the thoughts and beliefs, or in my mind the reality/facts, that I was truly NOT worthy of any good thing that kept me stuck in a cycle of self-hatred, self-sabotage, and perfectionism and all the exhausting, painful and frustrating behaviors that come with that.

I saved this and remembered her explaining it and writing more on the whiteboard she had and it being the first time I gained hope that

maybe I could change. She explained that my reptilian brain was in control trying to protect me at all times from all things, so it was going to take time and effort to change the way my brain functioned. There were so many times I remember her telling me after I had done or said something that I later knew wasn’t the best thing for me, that’s ok it was just your reptilian brain trying to protect you again. Then reminding me when something like that comes up again, I just need to recognize it and tell mysel f it’s that part of my brain trying to protect me but, in this situation, I don’t need to be protected. I could better control my behavior when I understood where it was coming from and how to adjust it in real-time. An example of that I didn’t catch soon enough was after I came home from your house the night I had the best time with you. I was the most vulnerable and real I had ever been. It also seemed like you were more vulnerable as you were much more affectionate, and it felt so very good. I left your house honestly feeling more loved and adored than I ever had. You hadn’t shared feelings in words, but that’s how you made me feel. It was the best night of my life. I was reflecting on how great it all was. I couldn’t stop smiling. I was just happy. And then I took a shower and when I read your text after my shower I panicked and reptilian brain took over because of course I wasn’t used to any of those positive feelings, actually being myself/real and then with a history of being good enough to have

sex with but not good enough for any man to actually love me. In an instant I had convinced myself that I was a fool thinking you could ever love me and of course you just wanted sex. I started beating myself up in my mind for being so stupid and naive, felt literally sick to my stomach, and responded to your text. And then just as quickly as I hit send, I figured out what had happened. I sent a text to our friend saying I had the best night ever and that I was an idiot and had just f***** it up because I got scared. She told me not to beat myself up about it, that it would be ok and I could explain it to you. I really wanted to when I saw you, but you would barely speak and wouldn’t look at me, so I told myself maybe I should give you some space. I tried to hope it would be ok, but then you wanted nothing to do with me for a couple months. Anyway, then I sent the treat me right or leave me the f*** alone text. Then an even greater man emerged for a few weeks until after the night you left here saying I was too close, and you couldn’t talk anymore then later sent the fever song and texts. That was the last real communication I felt like we had until recently. Anyway, I say all that to just make the point how screwed up things can get when we aren’t honestly saying the things that need to be said. And as I told you before, everything that happened had to happen for us to be where we are now, so 18 months later, the good news is we are now smarter, stronger, better people.

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