Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 6 — My Beautiful Crazy

“It’s your reaction to adversity, not adversity itself , that determines how your life’s story will develop.” Dieter F. Uchtdorf

It wasn’t the act of violence, but rather the story I made up of what it meant about me, and those resulting behaviors, that ruined much of my life.

When I came to this realization, I talked with Ginger about it and she took notes as she sometimes does. As hard as it was to accept, I figured out it was a good thing. If it had truly been the act of violence, the rape, there wasn’t a

damn thing I could do to change that. It happened, and nothing would ever alter that fact. But the story I made up in my mind and the resulting behaviors I displayed, those I did have control of and could change. Would it be hard? Yes, very. But having the control and the power to make those changes, that felt good. It felt like healing and hope for the future. What he did to me at the time felt like endless torture, agony, humiliation… but in reality, the actual length of time was quite brief. The actual amount of time he had control of my body was minimal, but the impact I allowed it to have over my mind and my behavior lasted for decades. But now that I had figured that out, I had had enough, and I was ready to take charge of me. It wouldn’t be easy, but nothing was going to stop me . I didn’t hear from John often and when I did, he didn’t seem to be the man I had known. He didn’t want to talk about anything meaningful. He just wanted to spend the night, and sadly, even though I had said I wouldn’t in January , I did…again. I knew the right thing to do was to say no, but when he was actually standing right there in front of me, I didn’t do the right thing. I still missed the man he had been to me when we worked together. I wanted that man back.

Was my behavior the definition of insanity we hear about…doing the same thing, expecting different results? Yes. Was it human. Also, yes.

From: Ginger Bliss To: John Fri, Jul 23, 2021 at 3:37 AM

I don’t feel bad about the other night, I’m not upset, I’m not mad, I’m not hurt. I clearly chose to do what I did. It was so nice to see you and I quickly fell back into the hope maybe something had changed. I have hoped all year. No one has done more than kiss me on the cheek because I was still hoping you’d decide I was the best thing to ever happen to you. All that I c an tell has changed though is that I am ready to be completely real with me about me. I’ve allowed myself to be f***** all this time without bein g loved which reflects all I’ve thought I deserved. I accepted bare minimum attention and affection, feeling it was better than nothing. I know better now so I have to treat myself with love and respect through my choices. That means no more being f***** by someone who isn’t also expressing love for me through word and deed. I appreciate what you did give, it’s jus t not enough anymore.

Yes, my behavior was human for an unhealed person who just so badly wanted to be loved and couldn’t see the insanity…yet.

From: Ginger Bliss To: John Wed, Jul 28, 2021 at 8:02 PM

I can be a pain in the ass, but you can call me on it. I appreciate you protecting my feelings in the past, but I can take honest feedback now. You can tell me to chill out when I’m trying to control things, I don’t mean to and I’m trying to change the au tomatic response. I don’t need to control what I understand. It’s when I don’t understand, when there’s no information that I tend to freak out. After you leave, I have no idea when I’ll hear from you again and that makes me feel like if you don’t want to c ommunicate with me at all that you’ve just come over for the sex and that’s when I guess I subconsciously try to find an ending because I’m a fraid that’s what you want and I really mean nothing to you. That is my biggest fear with you because you say nothi ng to the contrary. Last week you asked if I really believe that’s all you want (sex) instead of actually telling me how you do feel about me. That’s confusing.

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