Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 4 — Living & Loving in Loneliness

“It’s easy to look at people and make quick judgments about them, their present and their past, but you’d be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. And more often than not, it’s lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul.” Sherrilyn Kenyon The experience of losing John ’s presence in my life was the most devastating loss I had yet to experience. It’s hard to explain in words, but I felt it everywhere and in everything, I didn’t just experience it. It wasn’t something I was going through; it was something I was deeply in, perhaps stuck in. I had let him in so far, I didn’t know how to feel when he wasn’t there anymore. I had allowed myself to count on him, to trust he would always be there in some way when he said we’d always be friends. One day he was there, and we were in the best place we’d ever been, and my hopes had never been higher or felt more real and possible. I had allowed myself to believe someday there might be a real “us.” That we had finally gotten honest enough with ourselves and each other and had invested enough in our own growth that we really could have a healthy and happy relationship.

And then the next day, he was gone and everything we had invested in each other was gone.

I did realize, though, I still had me. And while there was absolutely nothing that could make it hurt any less, I knew I was going to have to be enough for me. I was not going to lose what I had gained, no matter what. I had worked too hard, and that pain and those tears were never going to be for na ught. I simply wouldn’t allow it.

“It’s not always about trying to feel good. Sometimes it’s about getting good at just letting yourself feel.” @juliacounsellor

So, I felt this pain and I cried these tears…and I kept loving him wherever he was , hoping one day he would come back because his absence changed nothing in my heart. I understood why he pulled away from me, even if I missed him terribly and got upset or mad sometimes. I still understood it and knew he was taking care of himself. T hat’s what he needed to do right then, even if I desperately wished it was different. As awful as it was, it felt appropriate, this pandemic isolation. Everyone was still wearing masks, so there were no smiles I had to fake when I was in public, and even at work it was only when someone came into my office, where I wasn’t required to wear a mask, that I had to dig deep and fake a smile. I knew, regardless of how back and forth and in and out and up and down it had been with John, my life would never be the same without him in it. And even when it was good again someday, it wouldn’t be the sa me. I was the only one who could take care of me, and he was the only one who could take care of him. And that meant I had to be lonely for him. Not lonely, lonely for him. In order to love like we’ve always wanted to be loved, we must first be willing to hurt like we’ve never been hurt.

Let There Be Lonely - Jonathan Jackson (youtube.com)

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