Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 12 — Another Solo Adventure

“You are not the stories of your past. Your personality is not who you were. You are who you decide to be in this moment. There’s this giant misconception that change must take years, months, or weeks. But it doesn’t. It takes the moment we decide to be different. To be better. To love more and be trapped by our past less. We are so powerful if we let ourselves be, and in a way, I think we’re scared of that power. Because in order to acknowledge its existence we have to let go of the fact that we haven’t ex ercised it til this moment. If we are so powerful, why would we choose the things we choose? Let go of that thought. You are not a prisoner to your past. You are, however, responsible for your future. Take your power back by choosing who you wish to be…now.” Mark Groves

Kylee and I would joke when we traveled that she needed to find a boyfriend for when we went on trips so we would have someone to bring and handle our luggage for us. We could have packed less knowing we had to fend for ourselves, but we didn’t. One never knows exactly what the weather will be like as forecasts can be wrong, and while we might feel like we will want to wear certain outfits, what if we don’t feel like wearing the only outfits we brought? Having extra provides more flexibility and that feels better to us. So, we don’t complain and just take care of our

own 49.9- pound luggage. Some people may think we’re ridiculous, but we don’t, and I’ve learned that’s all that matters. I think it’s great other people may choose to take a carryon for a week - long stay, that’s just not me and I no longer apologize for it. I’m willing to take care of my own luggage so no one else’s opinion matters to me anymore. On February 25, 2020, I left the Kansas City airport with a heavy bag but feeling lighter than ever before.

I was off on my first solo trip out of the country, heading back to the Cayman Islands. I decided the familiarity would feel better than going somewhere I hadn’t ever been before or somewhere I had to be concerned with

my safety. I sat by the window again and enjoyed the sun coming up on the way to Atlanta where I had a brief layover. Ginger and I had been working on a lot of things around authenticity, learning what I liked and didn’t like to do and to eat. We had also been working on strategies for how I could learn to communicate verbally about my feelings even when it was really hard. This trip was about the former, though, thank goodness, because that was much easier for me to accomplish. It was about 9:30 a.m., but what really sounded good to me was trying my first Bloody Mary and eating French fries…so that’s what I ordered. It felt good to get what I wanted; not what other people might think was acceptable for that time of day.

The water is beautiful there and every day was about the same. I would get up and exercise at the fitness center, eat some breakfast in my room, head to the beach, go for walks on the beach, grab something to eat in the late afternoon, read or catch up on some email in the evening, and sleep.

On my first trip there with Kylee, the routine was about the same and I distinctly remember hearing this song for the first time while I was running on the treadmill. I’m not sure what I even thought

about the lyrics exactly, it just seemed like a mix of things I was feeling at the time, and it felt like somehow that was progress. Maybe because I was starting to feel something at least and that seemed like something I should feel better about. But this trip when I listened to it, I felt even stronger and a little less broken and a tad bit closer to feeling beautiful inside and less awful outside. And the selfies were getting easier to take to prove to Kylee I was alive and doing well.

Kelly Clarkson - Broken & Beautiful (Lyrics) (youtube.com)

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