Brave Enough To Be Bliss

We met for a drink one evening. I think it came up that I was meeting a friend for a drink and John asked where and we talked about the restaurant. It was nice to see Dan after all those years, and it felt pretty comfortable. He followed up promptly and asked if I wanted to go to dinner and I said yes. John and I had been doing some work from home periodically and oftentimes he stayed to talk after we finished with the work for the day. I was a little worried about that on the day of the date, and I hoped he’d want to wrap up early that day. But then I decided, who cares, he d oesn’t want to date me anyway, so it doesn’t matter if he figures out someone else does. He had dated a couple of people since I had met him when we were only connected as friends. We would get really close as friends, then we would become more than friends, then one of us would turn and run, and then we wouldn’t talk much for a little while, then the cycle would repeat. Dan asking me out was the first time in my adult life that a man had asked me out on a real date. Not where we got to be friends first and then one thing led to another, but a real date. It felt respectful and kind. And that helped me see that maybe there were some attractive qualities in me after all, and I was worthy of the same respect and kindness I gave everyone else. I vividly remember listening to this song while I got ready with tears in my eyes, feeling like maybe the rainbow really had been there all along, but I just hadn’t been able to see it through the clouds. And I began to believe it really would be alright. I think somehow, John knew my dinner plans weren’t with a girlfriend. When I came downstairs, he was still there, and I think he may have actually complimented me. And even more shocking than that was the fact that I actually felt like I looked pretty good too. I was happy he knew I wasn’t pining over him anymore. Or at least that it could appear that way to both of us. I had strategized with Ginger at my appointment about how I was going to handle eating or not eating at dinner. That was the part I was nervous about, but I knew I had to be brave and say it right up front because if it was a problem for him, we just would n’t go out again. Dinner was very nice and gave me an opportunity to explain that I was very happy to be there enjoying his company, but I didn’t want to order an entrée. I said that when I am hungry, I will eat, but when I’m not, I won’t , but that I would thoroughly enjoy the drinks and his company. It felt a bit awkward for a moment, but he said that was fine or something similar. It didn’t seem to be too big a deal, so I was relieved that part was over. I went out with him several more times in the coming weeks. The last time was when we met a friend of mine and her husband. He called and asked if I would mind meeting him at the restaurant because he was running late from work. That didn’t bother me at all, as I understand when things come up. I was anxious for my friends to meet him and expected we would have a nice evening. He seemed different toward me that evening for some reason I didn’t understand. And at one point he asked if I wanted to try some of his food and I said no thank you, but he continued to put his fork up to my mouth. I believe I went ahead and tried the bit e of whatever it was, but that was it. I was done. I wouldn’t be able to see him again. At the time, I didn’t fully understand what had happened, but the next day I emailed him that I was very uncomfortable with how he treated me that evening and I wouldn’t be able to see him anymore. In retrospect, it would have been much more kind to call, but because it was non-negotiable, there really wasn’t anything to discuss. And I was still very far away from actually being able to use my voice at that point. I had said very clearly if I didn’t want to eat, I wasn’t going to, so forcing food into my mouth was just not something that was up for discussion. I felt badly becaus e he really will be a great guy for someone, but it just wasn’t going to work out with me. Kacey Musgraves-Rainbow // Lyrics - YouTube

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