Brave Enough To Be Bliss

I like strawberries, blueberries and in the summer if they are really good but not at all mushy and a good nectarine or peach. I like grapes, but they have to be perfect and really only green grapes, never mushy or old at all, same goes for strawberries and blueberries also. French fries with ketchup, mozzarella sticks with ketchup are my go- to’s at a bar and grill or chips and queso, but I don't like much of the queso just barely get a little on the chip. Mac and cheese and grilled cheese are also ok if I am starving and that's the best thing I can see on the menu. I really don't like spending money on food. To me it's a waste.

Eating I feel like I have to eat to set the right example for my daughter, so she doesn't have eating problems.

When I am down, depressed, upset all I want to do is eat. I've been doing this since my senior year of high school. I gained weight, looking back it was after the rape when it was the worst, and I think that's when I started binging. I detest throwing up, though, so I never purged. I wished I could. I thought about it a lot, but that just made me feel worse. I realize while I'm doing it that I'm only going to feel worse, but I can't stop eating whatever I'm eating. Go- to’s are cupcakes, cookies, peanut M&M’ s, cereal, donuts, or whatever I can find that I typically wouldn't eat much of or that I know I shouldn't. Sometimes there aren't things I really feel like might help, so then I keep trying other things that I find no enjoyment in whatsoever and then that's the worst because there wasn't anything even appealing about what I just ate and then I feel doubly bad or triply bad or whatever...it didn't even temporarily help anything and then I'm just feeling disgusting for positively no reason. Sometimes I try to just go to bed to avoid doing it, but most of the time I can't talk myself out of it. I wish every time that I could purge. The closest I get is with exercise, but I still don't overdo it that much. I just do it regularly and that has allowed me to maintain, most of the time, an even weight. But I weigh probably 5-10 pounds more than I would feel good about. When I look in the mirror all the time, I see someone who would look a lot better 5-10 pounds less. I can feel when my clothes start not fitting loosely and I can almost always stop eating because I simply cannot stand anything being at all fitted to me. I like things to be loose around my waist. Things feel best when I don't feel constricted at all. I don't like anything to make me feel like there is fat showing or fat that I can feel creating rolls. Although it may sound stupid, I literally feel like I look like those people in the My 700 Pound Life shows when they are unable to move and get up or roll over. I feel all inflated and huge and soft and flabby and gross. I feel fat and ugly, and I wish I never ate at all so I would lose weight and clothes would never make me feel like they were too close to my skin. I especially cannot stand turtlenecks. That got even worse after the surgery complications and after one time I accidentally sprayed gasoline all over myself and had a turtleneck on and had to smell that all the way home. I could rarely wear one after that and then after the bad surgery stuff I could never wear one again. I can't stand anything around the front of my neck at all. I hate soggy anything. I don't like milk or anything that tastes milky because of the smell and taste. I hate meat because I could potentially get sick from it. I never liked lettuce but now I especially don't ever want to eat lettuce because of the illness things that have been going on. I am very fearful of getting food poisoning. I can't let anyone drink out of my drink because I don't want to get sick. I don't like thinking about food preparation at restaurants. I just must put it out of my mind to even be able to eat out. I hate public restrooms and will wait until I get home, if possible, vs. using a public restroom. I do it if I must, but I don't like it and must always have antibacterial wipes when I'm in public. That's off the food subject, but related. Mainly I don't like eating. I don't enjoy it. I do it if I must, but I always feel worse after I do whether it's a little or a lot. The most I ever enjoy food at all is if I have been drinking a little too much. The only alcohol that I drink at all is Malibu rum and diet coke with lots of fresh lime. That is the only liquor I enjoy and the only liquor I drink unless I am in a social setting in someone's house and have to say yes that I will take a glass but if I can get someone else to drink it, I will do that because I hate wine and only don't want to be rude. When I am around people who weigh more than I do, I feel like I have to eat even if I am not hungry at all and then I feel absolutely horrible after because I shouldn’t have eaten if I didn't want to eat but I don't want to ever make anyone feel like I'm t rying to say they shouldn't be eating so I eat because I don't want to hurt their feelings or have them feel badly. This makes it very hard sometimes. No one has ever said I have to eat around them, but sometimes they do say things if I don’t eat so I just try to avoid that situation by going ahead and eating. I have tried to say no thank you sometimes when I am offered food, but it’s common for people to push back and when they do, I give in and go ahead and eat it even though I don’t want it because I don’t want to take the chance of hurting their feelings. People tease me about being limited in what I like or how I look. I don’t like it when people comment on my weight. Even if t hey think they’re being nice, to me they are not. After I lost a lot of weight with all the surgeries, I saw someone a couple yea rs later and look about like I do now, and they said oh you look so healthy. I still feel like they were saying I look fat. She is bigger than me, so I know logically she wasn’t, but that’s how it made me feel. Fat. So, so fat. That comment still haunts me.

I can’t stand for anyone to touch my midsection. I can’t stand to touch my midsection. I feel the worst about my body there. No matter how much I weigh I will always feel fat. I have learned to be content if my clothes fit the same.

I am always constipated so I know that makes me feel fatter. If I didn’t eat, I wouldn’t have to be constipated, therefore I shouldn’t eat but I do so it’s my own fault I can’t even control that. And now I’m not even exercising every single night, so I fee l even worse

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