Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Day One (October 10, 2018) Don't feel you need to comment or anything...I just decided to write my thoughts as I feel like it and figured this way if I ever want to reflect on the experience, I'll have the messages in my sent mail. And that way you are updated on the experience much better than I could summarize when I see you next.

The resort is even more peaceful, quiet, and beautiful than I thought it would be. Very small, intimate resort. Had to be God’s hand in all this, even I can’t question that. A little teary, but happy, grateful tears. Overwhelmed reflecting on the journey that brought me to this point, but feeling hopeful that the rest of this life does not have to include the same amount of pain that the first 50 years did. Feeling like I can really breathe for the first time. Maybe not deeply yet, but more deeply than ever before and it feels good. I sat by the window (by choice and didn't lower the window shade) on the plane, some pretty good turbulence midway, but when sun was up, I even looked out; this was huge for me. I realize now that when I step on a plane, it’s no different than anything else in life, I don’t have control over anything outside of myself, so might as well sit back and enjoy the ride and the view. I can deny myself that view or I can embrace it; either way I have no control. I controlled the decision of getting on the plane, so whatever happens after that happens and I can focus on fearing the worst or live in the moment for all it's worth. And should the worst happen, I hope in that instant I can reflect on all the beautiful things I was able to experience in this life and have those be my final thoughts.

When I arrived at the resort at 8 a.m. my room wasn't ready, so I sat on a lounge chair and just enjoyed the feeling of the warmth on my face. The air was very cool, but the sun was very warm, and it felt so good. There were some birds chirping, but otherwise it was quiet, and I felt peaceful inside and out. I wasn't thinking about or worrying about anything. I was simply enjoying the sunshine.

After getting settled in the room mid-morning, I went to the pool. Before I went to the pool, I had scheduled a deep tissue massage that was insanely expensive, but despite my usual feelings of guilt that would have kept me from scheduling it (and had prior to the trip), I decided to go ahead. It was the best massage I had ever had. After that I was thirsty and wanted a drink, so I went to the hotel bar and asked if they had Malibu. He didn't think so but said he'd check and fortunately they did. I took the drink to another smaller pool and sat there enjoying each sip. I realized then that I was hungry, so I went back to the bar, ordered another drink and I had looked at the menu previously, so I ordered the hummus plate. While I didn't think I liked hummus, I figured for sure I would like the pita bread. I ate some of the hummus and it was ok, but the pita bread was delicious, and I enjoyed every piece along with two of the best little carrots I had ever had. Amazing how things taste when you pay attention. While I wouldn't order hummus just for me, it's good to know that I don't mind it. And I sat at the bar all this time, people walked by, people came to the bar...but I wasn't concerned if they thought I looked disheveled or oily or whatever they may have thought since I had just come straight from the massage...I was just drinking my drink and eating the food and enjoying the fact that I was in Arizona and didn't have to think about anything other than that moment and meeting my needs.

I went back to the room, rested for about 30 minutes, and then went for a run. The area is very hilly, so it was rough. It was 4:30 p.m. so very warm too, but I enjoyed the feeling of running and sweating and being challenged physically. There were a few hills so steep that I had to walk them, but I didn't beat myself up for that. Instead, I just appreciated the fact that I could be out there moving at all. I decided to go to the grocery store and called an Uber when I got back to the room. The guy who picked me up was very nice and we chatted the whole way there. He was from Florida and moved here about a year ago. Previously I would have tried anything I could to avoid conversation with someone I don't know, but instead I had a very enjoyable conversation with this man who I will likely never see again. I took my time going through the store selecting a few things that I would enjoy the rest of the week since I don't really like the restaurant options at the resort. I requested another Uber, and this driver was originally from Ireland and still had the striking accent, "a wee little bit" he said when I commented on his accent. He was very nice, and we had a fun conversation as well. I had quite a few bags, so he offered to help me carry them. A part of me said that might be dangerous, but I let him and just didn't get my room key out until he had set them down and walked away. I felt like this was a nice mix of listening to my inner voice to stay safe, but also not shutting myself off completely from others or thinking the worst of them.

I enjoyed grapes and strawberries, in fact the best grapes I had had all year. I enjoyed the flavors and then took a shower and got ready for bed. Having been awake since 3:30 a.m. I was tired, so I went to sleep thankful for being right where I was.

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