Brave Enough To Be Bliss

I didn’t like new things. I was better off sticking with things I already knew how to do so I could do them as perfectly as possible. New things would just make me look even worse than I already did, too risky to try. So, I decided I’d act like I was doing it, but not actually bring any extra oxygen into my body. The bare minimum of oxygen was all that was needed for survival and that’s all I was doing. Maybe other people who were living needed lots of oxygen, but not me, bare bones oxygen was all a person like me needed or deserved. Nothing about that practice would ever come naturally or easily, and honestly, I didn’t even want to learn how. But I couldn’t let her know that yet, so I would endure the time and sit quietly , staring at that point on the wall wondering what I was really doing there. While I was scared to trust Ginger, I already did for some reason I couldn’t comprehend.

“Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love.” Brené Brown

The song Human by Christina Perri always made me want to cry. I couldn’t cry, of course, but I wanted to. I felt the lyrics deeply, so I hadn’t listened to it much when it first came out. I’ve selected some of the lyrics and in italics written what went through my mind w hen I listened to the song. There are a lot of things I don’t remember well, but these thoughts are etched into my memory.

Christina Perri - Human (Lyrics) (youtube.com)

I can hold my breath. (Yep, my natural state and wish I was n’t breathing at all.) I can bite my tongue. (More times than I can count, but of course, I can never say how I really feel about anything.) I can stay awake for days . (Of course, I’m scared to go to sleep since it doesn’t feel safe not knowing what more I might remember.) I can fake a smile. (Every day. All day. It’s exhausting.) I can force a laugh. (When I have to, but it’s harder than the smile.) I can dance and play the part if that’s what you ask . (Maybe not dance, but yeah, I play whatever part I have to in order to try and make other people happy.) Give you all I am. (Yep, I give and give and give but it’s never enough for anyone to really love me…maybe that’s why I feel so empty inside, I give the only good stuff away and whatever else is left in there is dead.) But I’m only human. (I try so hard not to be hoping maybe I can someday be close enough to perfect to be loved.) And I bleed when I fall down . (But I say I’m fine, even when I’m hurting.) And I crash and I break down. (When I’ve pushed the feelings down as far as I can, but I’m filled to overflowing and I feel like I could drown and just want out. I’d never admit I break down, though. No one would really understand. No one wants to hear that.) My words in my head, knives in my heart. (I can’t even blame anyone else, the words in my head are mine and even though I’ve heard them thousands of times, they still cut like knives. Why can’t I just be better, do better, be enough?) I can turn it on. (Whenever I’m around people, I have to become the person I think they want me to be. No one would want this, the real me. I hate her and they would too. She’s best to keep hidden, in the dark.) Be a good machine. (I can be counted on to do whatever I have to do. I’m consistent. Dependable…just like a good Maytag.) I can hold the weight of worlds. (That’s what it feels like. The weight of the world, and I’m jus t … s o… very … tired.) If that’s what you need. (People, they’re my only reason for living, so yes, whatever anyone needs. I’ll do whatever is asked of me or try to figure out how I can help even when it’s not asked for.) Be your everything. (I’ve never been anyone’s everything even though I’ve wanted to be more than anything. When they’re done with me, they throw me away, like the trash that I am.) I can do it. (I have no choice. I know no other way. I survive.)

I can do it. (Yeah, I guess, what choice do I have?)

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