Brave Enough To Be Bliss

After she was discharged, it became a daily worry if I didn’t hear from her in the morning. I started driving across town in an absolute panic on more than one occasion because she didn’t answer a phone call or a text. She was taking medications for sleep, so usually on my frantic drive to her apartment crying hysterically, believing she was dead, she would let me know she had been sleeping and was alright. I was barely keeping it together at work, but at the same time, work was the only thing keeping me together. There just wasn’t anything I could d o; this was her battle, and I couldn’t fight it for her. It was hands down the absolute worst time of my life and the mess I was inside got a million times messier. That whole time period is pretty much a blur, but I remember two things aside from Kylee. In addition to the church small group, I also joined a book group with three other ladies, one of whom was Janet, the leader over the area I worked in at Hallmark as a temporary employee when I was pregnant with Kylee. I met her but didn’t get to know her, as she went out on maternity leave shortly after I started working there and I only had one other interaction with her, when I was invited to go to her house and meet the baby with a number of other employees. When I was at the last health system I worked for, she contacted me, not having any idea she had met me years back, as she was doing some networking learning about healthcare leadership and considering a change in her career. Long story short, she did some consulting work for me, and we have become close friends through the years. On one of the Saturdays we were scheduled to meet for book group, I contacted her to tell her I wasn’t going to be able to come to book group any longer. She asked why and I believe I said with the healthcare expenses, I just couldn’t afford to do anything extra. Well, we buy a b ook every few months at most, so that was a pretty lame excuse, looking back. She asked if she could come by, and I said she should just go to book group because I was fine. She hung up and about 30 minutes later she was at my door. It was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done. She sensed I wasn’t myself and instead of listening to me lie, and judging me for doing that, she came over to let me know she cared and to give me a hug. She would have done anything I needed her to do, but right then, I didn’t even know what I needed , I just wasn’t OK. That got me through that weekend, and she called frequently to check in through those months and told me I didn’t have to get back to her, she was just calling to let me know she cared, and that Kylee and I were in her prayers. It was very comforting, and I will never forget her kindness and care. I tried to make sure I reminded Kylee of the messages in this song frequently by every method of communication possible, but that clearly didn’t feel like enough. During every waking moment, which was almost 24/7 at this point, I knew she could make the decision to end her life and there was nothing I could do about it. It was like staring at a bomb wondering if it was going to detonate and knowing there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop it.

Josh Groban - You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) [Official Music Video] (youtube.com)

The night before Thanksgiving, Kylee was admitted to another psychiatric facility for her safety. I didn’t want to do anything except lay down and sob, but knowing my dad would be alone on Thanksgiving, I told him if he wanted to come by and pick me up, we could go to wherever was open and have something to eat. There would be no Thanksgiving dinner this year. There would be nothing to be thankful for other than the fact she was still breathing, because she was still so far from living again.

From: Ginger Bliss To: Kathryn Nov 26, 2017, at 2:40 AM:

Thank you so much for the nice Thanksgiving card. I am grateful for you, as well. I hope you all had a lovely Thanksmas. I'm glad Kylee was able to join you. I assume you know she is back in a behavioral hospital again. Not the same one. Didn't plan it that way, it just turned out to be. It is in her insurance network and turns out she does like it better...but still has only focused on getting out instead of getting the help she needs. She was admitted Wednesday morning and there is discussion about discharging her Monday, but I am hopeful maybe not so soon as I'm not sure she's really ready. I just want her to get the help she needs, no matter how long it takes. Anyway, Thanksgiving wasn't a very good day here. I was relieved she was there because she is safe, but certainly not a holiday to remember. I froze the turkey breast I had bought and everything else will keep, so just in case she wants to have the meal after she's discharged sometime, I figured we could do it then. Or maybe just have it at Christmas. Anyway, that's the update here. I don't sleep much anymore, not that I ever slept a lot but now I just can’t sleep much at all. The new home is fine,

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