Brave Enough To Be Bliss

By late January when Kylee and I went to Puerto Villarta, Mexico, on a vacation to help get through the dreaded winter, I had decided to tell her I really cared about John and we had a friendship that extended beyond work. I remember being really nervous to tell her at dinner on our last night there. I got the words out and she looked at me like, “OK so….” wondering if there was something more, which of course there wasn’t. Since I had acted like it was some bombshell, she was completely unimpressed and sai d, “OK.” As often was the case, I overthought the whole thing and she took it in stride. Plus, she and John got along really well. She was good for him and vice versa. She’s very witty and has great comebacks when people tease her, so I think he was impressed to have someone who challenged him in that way. John picked us up from the airport after our trip. To get a glimpse of what that ride was like, you can watch the first minute of the following video. The song you’ll hear came on the radio and John proceeded to turn it up, sing along and show us his moves while driving. Kylee quickly began teasing him, insisting his moves looked more like a James Corden, not a Bruno Mars. (No offense at all intended toward James Corden, she didn’t mention him specif ically, I’m just using the video as a visual representation for readers.) And I loved watching every minute of her giving him a hard time…and him giving it right back. It was my own kind of 24K magic. I don’t recall if he specifically offered to pick us up or if I asked him to, but my guess would be he offered or maybe Kylee asked. I would like to say back then I just didn’t like asking for help, but while that may have been true to a point, it was real ly that I couldn’t stand the thought of asking and then being told no. It would be quite some time before I learned how to ask for what I wanted and understand being told no wasn’t a death sentence reflection of me, but rather an answer to one question at one point in time. I believe the only other time there was an airport trip was when I took him as he was leaving for Italy for two weeks. I remember wanting to hug him very badly, but I don’t think I did. As usual, we were awkward togethe r unless we were talking in my office or being intimate at one of our homes. It made absolutely no sense to me. There were texts exchanged early on during his trip, and it was so fun to see all the places he was going. But after I sent a bitmoji “Miss ya” sticker, it was crickets, as he liked to say. It was a long couple of weeks without him. He must have missed me a little bit too, though, because the evening he got back, he asked if I wanted to come over. I was very excited to see him and hear all about his trip. We had a fun evening, and we sat on the couch and talked. I had my legs up on the couch and he pulled them across his legs while we talked. It felt different, and it was comfortable and easy. I slept over and it was always better for me when we were at his house for some reason. I guess it just felt different when I was the one leaving instead of him leaving me. He offered to pick me up to go to a meeting, and of course I wanted him to, but for some reason I said, I have to take Kylee. She had her own vehicle or why didn’t I just ask if she could ride along also? Why was I always so quick to answer with no when he finally did something nice? One morning he called on my way to work seemingly just to say good morning, which of course I wanted him to do. For some reason, though, on this morning, I got scared and responded poorly and then when I hung up, this song came on the radio right as I got to a stoplight. It felt like the radio had just called me out on my bullshit. I was blaming him for running away, but wasn’t I doing the same thing , pushing him away like that? Why did I behave that way? What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just be happy to hear from him? Why , when he finally did things I had wanted him to do, would I act like I didn’t care or say no? I was so disappointed in and frustrated with myself. I was sure he would give up on me after that and honestly, I couldn’t blame him, I was about to give up on me too. Bruno Mars Carpool Karaoke (youtube.com)

michael ray get to you lyrics - YouTube

89