Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 20 — What Made You Do It?

“Most people don’t want things to be different. They don’t want the struggle. They don’t want the perceived embarrassment. They don’t want to do the same boring little things over and over and over again. They want to pretend it will all just work out in the end. I promise you…It doesn’t. My hope for you this year: Make the changes. All of them. Whatever it takes. However, you must get there. Flip the switch. Be one of the few who chooses to make things different. I’ll be with you.” John Delony While I was finishing writing this book, I had several virtual appointments with Ginger scheduled. During our first one , late in the conversation she said, “I’ve often wondered, why you did it. Why did you keep coming back and not cancel the appointments. It would have been very easy to do. But you kept coming back and facing the pain. Why? ” I don’t remember what I said right then, but it felt like more than a coincidence. Earlier that day when I went for a long walk, I listened to the same song over and over again for nearly an hour. I already had it on my playlist, so I ’d heard it before, but something made me feel I needed to listen to that song and really think about the words.

Stronger (Grey's Anatomy Version) (youtube.com)

These lyrics jumped out at me….

Call me a fool for thinking, maybe I could get over Or I could be stronger than the fear in my mind

Keep on getting stronger, keep on getting wiser, my dear Don't give in to the voices, don't succumb to your fear

Show me now if I've lost my way Reach for freedom from within my cage Search for meaning whenever I'm afraid

Oh, sing with me now for the change that can't be done Oh, sing with me now for the change has just begun

While I was walking, I felt like sending the song to Brett for some reason. You may recall the story in this section from Chapter 7. He was the alcoholic who reached out to me, shared how he really felt about himself and then went to rehab. About six months after he left rehab, he told a mutual friend he still wasn’t drinking, and I was relieved. Several months after that or perhaps longer, I texted him to see if he’d be willing to talk with me about what made him finally decide to go to rehab and do the hard work on himself to be able to face the addiction. I never heard back which indicated to me, he likely didn’t stay sober so shame wouldn’t even let him respon d, or maybe he’s sober but hasn’t actually dealt with everything , or maybe he just wanted to close the door on any reminder of when he was drinking. Regardless, I was glad I had at least asked the question. Then I realized in that moment, that’s what it was about. I needed to write abou t facing the pain even when it really, really hurts and we’re really, really scared. So when Ginger asked the same question just a couple hours later, it seemed like yet another God moment.

The next morning, I woke up with the following words to answer her question and typed them into my phone from bed.

At first, I just didn’t want to be a hypocrite , but then I also believed it was the only way my daughter and I could survive. I would have loved to have simply died for her. That would have been easy. It’s what I wanted anyway. But instead, I had to do something much harder, I had to learn to live.

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