Brave Enough To Be Bliss

known from the outside. I always tried to have an appropriate, friendly expression. But in that moment, I decided I would never, ever come to another PTA meeting and face these women. Of course, I knew they didn’t want me anyway. No one did. E ven if they initially thought they did, they’d change their mind, so at least I found out at the first meeting. I just tried not to feel and after I left, tried not to think about it anymore. When I got home and my husband asked how the meeting went, I said it was fine. Everything was always fine. I wasn’t going to complain. It wasn’t appropriate to complain. I went upstairs to change my clothes and wanted to cry again after seeing Kylee, I fel t like such a failure as a mom. I had tried, but I just wasn’t good enough for PTA and I sure wasn’t good enough for her. I wondered why I even kept trying. I always ended up failing at something or not being good enough for someone. I secretly hoped maybe she was so young she wouldn’t even notice I wasn’t a room mom. I tried to find some hope, so I decided I would try to do as many other things as I could to make up for not being a room mom. That was it, I thought, I would just find other ways to make her proud of me and show her I really did care and wanted to help her school. I just couldn’t be around those moms again. They were the perfect moms. They made their own treats, and I didn’t cook . I made lasagna once shortly after my soon-to-be husband and I got together, but he commented that it didn’t have any flavor, so of course, I never tried to cook anything again. It was OK, though, because he was a good cook and seemed to enjoy it. I just accepted it was another failure and contributed by cleaning instead. Cleaning, that was something I could do and generally people don’t criticize cleaning as much, so I stuck to what I could do well. Throughout her elementary school years, whenever there was a chance to sign up to buy things, I would jump right on it. Sometimes I would buy everything that was needed because I was trying to make up for the failure. I would send money, buy supplies, buy treats, and send them all to school with her, but I couldn’t volunteer for room parties and field trips. The perfect moms would be there, and I just couldn’t bear the reminder of how imperfect I was. If I even had a thought of maybe volunteering for one, I reminded myself that it would be humiliating and I couldn’t bear to embarrass myself or even worse, Kylee, so it was best I stay away. I knew it wouldn’t be the same as being there with her, but it was all I could do. I decided it was best to believe she wouldn’t even notice me not being there , as that helped keep the guilt at a more tolerable level. And I could go to the school and have lunch with her sometimes and hopefully no other moms would be there that day. It was the best I could do. I knew it wasn ’t enough, and I hated it. I felt weak and knew I was letting her down, so I hated myself for yet another reason.

Those were, as I mentioned, crazy busy years with her playing lots of sports and my husband and I working demanding jobs, but overall, we managed to have lots of fun together. We included her in everything we could, even sometimes taking her to work functions, and she didn’t seem to mind. Since we both worked with hospitals, she had a lot of exposure to the medical field at a very young age, and she started saying she was going to be a doctor when she grew up, so it was an obvious choice of a costume when it came time for Halloween. Even though we knew the downsides of that career choice, we would have supported whatever dream she had.

There were a number of community events to attend, so she often went with me and got to know my staff and other colleagues. As a result, she has always been very comfortable conversing with adults, which has definitely been an asset in her career. She would help stuff bags with promotional items and materials before big events after I picked her up from childcare, starting when she was five years old. At that age, she actually thought it was a lot of fun, and I appreciated the help and company. My priority was always to maximize the time I could spend with her, as she was the light of my life.

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