Brave Enough To Be Bliss

without a doubt those two sentences did not come from my brain, and I am so very grateful for the gentle wake-up call.

“ Sometimes we know in our bones what we really need to do, but we're afraid to do it. Taking a chance and stepping beyond the safety of the world we've always known is the only way to grow, though, and without risk there is no reward. ” Wil Wheaton I thought again about the timing of the apology video in November and how much I wished I had another chance to be there for John in his grief. This time I really would have been present with him. Not to try to make anything better or lessen his pain, but simply to be a physical presence reminding him he is not alone, and I care deeply for him.

Jess Glynne - I'll Be There | Lyrics (youtube.com)

“Say much less than you think. Your words won’t always help. But your presence will. Show up. Make food. Bring a game. Bring their favorite dessert. Handwrite a meaningful card. Be present. Be quiet. Listen. Show up. ” John Delony

The fact he’s still on my mind makes me know I have more to work to do, I just don’t know for sure what’s left. But as always, the words came and on the evening of January 1, I wrote the following to a mutual friend and sent links to the couple videos I had sent him. I figured this way at least she would be aware of what I had said, which could be helpful for him in the future in case he had blocked my communication. Over the past week, John has been on my mind as much as he is always in my heart. I suppose as the year progressed, I began to realize more and more that this time he must not be coming back into my life in any way and that has required processing to work through it all so I can get closure to the past and learn from it as best I can without really knowing his true feelings. When I realized I had recorded the video apology on the very day his uncle died, I just couldn't believe the timing. I feared it would have come across to him as insensitive, even though I had no idea about the loss. It seemed like it was just another disappointing bad timing issue between us. The video wasn't anything I planned, it was something that just came to me in that moment when I had some more realizations of just how off-base I had been with him, and felt I needed to take accountability for my part. I don't know for certain if he blocked me from communicating with him last spring, but I have a feeling he did given our last communication. So, if you're ever really bored sometime, feel free to watch so you can at least know some things that might be helpful if he comes to you in the future about relationships. It might help you ask him questions or give him advice, so he doesn't repeat past behavior or select a woman who isn't good for him. Clearly, he has to figure all that out for himself, but I sure have been helped by a couple trusted people asking me questions or giving me feedback. I've also learned, however, that unless someone hears both sides of a relationship, it's hard not to be led astray because we typically only divulge what we are aware of and oftentimes it's the stuff we aren't that really impacts the relationship. I'm going to say this only on the off chance someday it might matter, and I realistically realize it probably won't, but if John ever wants to get to know someone who he truly doesn't know (he knew me then, he doesn't know me now) who is figuring her stuff out, we might just be able to start fresh and become new friends. While we weren't at a healthy place to be anything more than friends before, we really were good for each other in a lot of ways. He said we'd always be friends and I guess I really believed that. I just felt like friendship really meant something to him and I take people pretty literally, so in my mind, I have always believed he would be part of my life even if there were rough patches. I want him happy, whatever that means for him, not because it doesn't still sting when he's with another woman, but because I love him that much and now know I can survive any pain, it won't last forever, and I can choose to be happy no matter what. My happiness isn't dependent on anyone else. I'm just at a point where I am now ready to

408