Brave Enough To Be Bliss

I then realized that at least some men have body image issues also, which is why generalizing about men and women can be dangerous. Regardless of sex, it’s just always safer to ask questions instead of making statements. For instance, if a man said something self- deprecating about his weight, a woman could say, “What are you worried about, you’re a man, nobody cares how you look.” That type of comment for a man wh o actually has a negative self-image could be very hurtful and certainly discourage him from ever vulnerably discussing it. A question would be safer. Something like, “Are you uncomfortable with your weight?” He may or may not choose to discuss it, but at least no harm was done and the invitation to share was there.

Even if you haven’t been reading all that closely, I’m guessing the fact I had a negative body image came through pretty clearly.

I wrote in the engagement journal , “I’m feeling so fat. I’ve got to do something. But how many times have I said that in this book alone. I keep thinking we’ll get into a routine, but we never seem to, do we? When we have time together, I don’t want to push having to exercise, but I think it could be fun if we’d do it together. I think I’ll say something to you about it when you get home.” And here’s another one, “I’m sorry about being so sensitive the other night. I want to look so much better for you . I don’t ever want you to look at anyone else and wish I looked like her. I want to be everything for you. I want you to look at me every day and have you thank God I’m your wife. Of course, not just because you like the way I look, but I do want you to be attracted to me always. Maybe I want to be perfect — but I want it for you. I know you love me as I am, but I want the best for you. I want you to be proud to walk down the street with me on your arm. ” I felt terrible about myself, but I didn’t want to take responsibility for it, so I tried to make it a “we” problem . W hen that didn’t work I tried to make it something I was doing “for” him, and then I cycled back to “I’ve got to do something ” only to go through the whole process again feeling terrible about myself along the way. The issue was I hated myself, that was the thing to solve. It wasn’t my weight on a scale, or fitness level, or relationship issues …it was simply that I hated everything about myself and was trying to find ways to feel better without actually healing the wounds that caused the issues. That’s why it helped to talk with Ginger, so she could help me see what I couldn’t yet see about myse lf and my past.

After thinking about Allen’s concern about his body off and on all week, I sent the following email to him on Friday hoping to let him know that other people struggle with body image too.

From: Ginger Bliss To: Allen Fri, Jul 1, 2022 at 1:00 AM I've been thinking about you since Monday...

A couple years ago my friend took a photo of me just like the one I'm sharing and then this one last summer. I remember being very embarrassed and oh so critical finding every flaw when she sent me the first one. Then last summer when I looked at this one, my first thought was, I see a strong woman. I didn't immediately look for or see the flaws. I saw strong legs that hold me upright. I saw strong arms that paddle me around. I didn't have to see clearly defined muscles to know there was strength there. I was surprised for the first time I wasn't even looking for the fat. It doesn't mean it isn't there, it's just that I saw the good in myself more than I looked for the imperfections. I had begun to be able

to see what others had always seen in me. Not just the elements of physical beauty that others might see (still uncomfortable and odd even to be able to write something like that, progress that I can), but the beauty of my soul. The way I care for people. The compassion I have for people. It was very freeing and brings tears to my eyes remembering that moment when I could truly look at my physical body with eyes of compassion. That came after a lot of hard work to figure out how my brain works, why I think the way I do, and deciding how I wanted to in the future. Understanding I don't have to be a prisoner to the past, but that I can choose a new and healthier future for myself full of joy.

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