Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Out on the water But it’ll be alright

Life is so much more Than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way If you keep believing

After listening to the whole song, it occurred to me: the only answer for my survival is, that’s what faith can do.

“God looks beyond our mess and sees a beautiful masterpiece.” Unknown

The next day, Friday, was my last, so I spent it writing with this beautiful view that I was certainly going to miss.

Mom Sherri and I talked on the phone for a long time that afternoon and it was fun to tell her about all my adventures. I told her about walking past the little house right beside the lake that first morning and how I knew I was going to stay there someday. I told her about the sermon at church and a little about the evening before. I was beginning to understand that along with my healing journey there was going to be a spiritual journey also. She is so much more knowledgeable and secure in her faith, so I acknowledged my fear of writing about anything spiritual because I felt so unqualified and uneducated, and basically like I was absolutely not the right person to be talking about that at all. I knew what else was going to be in the book and I just couldn’t imagine how my so very imperfect life could be talked about in the same book with spiritual things. She assured me no one is perfect, and everyone is learning as they go along. It would be fine, and I didn’t need to worry about other people’s opinions . I just needed to write from my heart like always and it would come out just right. I told her about giving the gift to Kylee and Will and then Nathan and that I just felt led to do it. I think deep

down maybe I wanted the reassurance that even though I didn’t have a job, I wasn’t absolutely losing my mind. I explained that I had also heard a sermon about blessing God, being blessed, and blessing others and that I really did feel like everything was going to work out somehow. I felt at peace with the decision. And then I told her I was actually thinking about coming back very soon to write, just to see if she thought I was crazy. She was immediately supportive of the idea and told me to call right then and see if that place was available for the dates I had tentatively identified. She probably knew it was best I make it happen and not give myself time to allow any fears to arise. We hung up and I did as she recommended and called the number on the sign. It felt exciting and a little bit scary. While I had been working on the book as I could, it was really tough to do when there were people I love around who I wanted to spend time with. I knew to finish the book, I needed to go somewhere alone. Only then could I access the intense emotions and memories that I wanted to write about. If I didn’t actually relive those times in my mind and body , the writing wouldn’t be authentic and convey enough feeling . I knew that was going to be very difficult, so I needed a lot of focused time. I t wasn’t something I could come in and out of , living in Kansas City with all its distractions —distractions I would welcome, because a part of me didn’t want to relive those dark times. I didn’t know for sure how long it would take, but I knew it was going to have to be somewhere peaceful and secluded.

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