Brave Enough To Be Bliss

With girlfriends in the past, I have shamed males in general about their sexual thoughts and desires when I have absolutely no idea what it feels like to be a man. I expected men to know what I wanted and needed at work and at home because they should know, and I belittled them if I didn’t get it. I had absolutely no idea at the time I was doing these things, but I did it nonetheless and for that I offer an open apology. I didn’t feel my dad loved me (even though he clearly did to the best of his ability at that time). I was raped when I was 17 as my first sexual experience. In my early 20s I saw men disrespecting female athletes and coaches. Early in my career, men disrespected me personally by approaching me only with a desire to use my body to satisfy theirs. I felt the impact of having more household responsibility (not assigning blame to my former husband, because I took it on by choice, but it was there and I felt it) while also feeling the exhaustion of raising a child and working full-time outside the home (and I can only imagine the exhaustion a mom working full-time inside the home feels). I felt the impact of being a single parent with the primary responsibility for our child, even though that is what I asked for and wanted. There may be a tendency to start weighing the impact of the hurts caused, for example, rape to withholding sex as punishment. I have been raped and as a pretty healed person now, I can tell you that all weighing hurt makes me think of is the words my daughter used in her award acceptance speech: “ No matter what physical or mental illness, injury, suffering or grief we experience in life, it is really impossible to compare one person’s challenge with another’s. Life is hard. Bad things happen. But it truly is what you choose to do in those situations, not only for yourself but for others that determines your character and your future. ” I say all that to make the point, I do understand how it feels to be negatively impacted by a man. But the behaviors of some men have not made me oblivious to the fact that men also have some very good traits that I admire and am grateful for. There are wonderful humans who are men and there are wonderful humans who are women. There are also many hurting humans representing both sexes. Women and men are different. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. We just have to learn a healthier way to l ive and work together. Similar to accepting that life…is…hard , I propose we accept women and men are different and stop trying to change each other. Instead, we should learn to understand, admire and appreciate one another, and use our differences to our advantage. I t’s really no different than what I do with employees who report to me. On an ongoing basis I self-reflect, ask for feedback, go to conferences, watch podcasts, and read a variety of resources, always searching for opportunities to learn and grow so I can give the best version of myself to those I lead. I get to know each employee as the individual human they are, what their strengths are, what they struggle with, what motivates them, what type of recognition they prefer, etc. Then I take all that information and figure out what I can do to encourage them to provide the best performance they possibly can to support the customer, department, and organization. In exchange for that outstanding performance, they receive enhanced pay, benefits, recognition, praise, etc.

What if we used the same process in our relationships? Wouldn’t the time, effort and energy be to our own benefit? If I knew more about myself and my partner, how would I not come out ahead?

As with so much in life, we stay stuck when no one will go first and we have the same disagreements, the same miscommunication, the same pain. But the fact is, it doesn’t have to be that way. We will never experience the pure joy we could in relationships if we don’t better understand ourselves and each other with love, not bitterness, resentment, and even sometimes hate. When I got curious about why I thought what I thought and behaved the way I did, I learned a great deal. The same applies to women and men: if we got more curious about learning about ourselves and each other, our relationships would naturally improve. But it takes time, effort, and desire.

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