Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 5 — All Work and No Play

“Those who don't know how to weep with their whole heart, don't know how to laugh either.” Golda Meir

In order to afford to live by myself, I had to enroll in graduate school so I could take another loan to supplement my income. I was working all day and evening almost every day of the week, with the exception of some Sundays. Between creating the press materials for the current seasons, preparing for the upcoming seasons, the actual onsite events, and the travel, the pace was all I had hoped for.

Because I had a very tight budget and I was looking for an apartment when most had already been leased for the fall semester, I had to take what I could get. I found one in my price range and moved in. The smell of urine was overwhelming when I walked in and nothing had been cleaned, but I tried to make the best of it. I could clean, so I just went to work trying to make it inhabitable. I couldn’t get the smell out because it was in the carpet, so I just tried to be there as little as possible. There were some things that needed to be fixed that I had reported, but even after several weeks there was no response. The last straw came when the washer in the bathroom wouldn’t stop leaking water , even when it wasn’t in use. I couldn’t keep up with washing and drying towels to keep it all soaked up and it was flowing out into the living area. This went on for several weeks and again, no response. I went into work one day so frustrated, likely with tears in my eyes, and told my boss about it, asking if he had any ideas about what I could do. I was in shock and awe when he got up, took me to the leasing office and proceeded to tell them very sternly that they were going to let me out of my lease without penalty and I would be moving out. They agreed and I found another apartment. While I would soon learn the new place had cockroaches in the kitchen, it didn’t smell like urine, nothing

leaked, and I just didn’t eat there , so it worked. That experience stuck with me because it was one of the few times in my life where I felt like someone defended and rescued me. Basically, I felt well taken care of. I knew it probably wasn’t typical for a boss to do something like that, but I didn’t complain much so I think when he heard my desperation, he knew I needed help. And he was there, and I will never forget it. He showed me a leader can care about his staff as people and still maintain professionalism and hold them accountable. I have tried to do the same with my staff throughout my career.

“The quality of conversations you have with yourself will often determine the quality of your life.” Caroline Leaf

The only other issue was my migraines. I worked through most of them and would gut through until I got home, and then would simply collapse. There was one year, though, when I was in charge of the Kansas Relays and was unable to attend one day of the event. I was completely miserable; it was one of the worst migraines yet. If I even tried to sit or stand up, I would throw up. I literally wanted to crack my skull open somehow, just to release the pressure and throbbing pain concentrated behind my eye. And as I lay in bed writhing in pain, all I could think of was how pathetic I was not to be able to work. It was my responsibility, and I was letting everyone down, especially myself. I had worked so hard to have everything run smoothly, but I wasn’t even there. Why did I have to suffer this debilitating pain? Why couldn’t I fight through it? Why was I so weak? I must deserve the misery. There must be something so very wrong with me that I was being punished in this way.

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