Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 10 — Dreaming & Learning

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and being alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You have to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes too near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that y ou tasted as many as you could.” Louise Erdrich

I saw this dress pop up one day in an online ad, so I took a photo of it and dared to dream. Sure, it felt silly and nearly impossible, but for me to even allow myself to consider such an idea was progress. I loved everything about this dress, the cut, the material, and I could actually visualize myself wearing one like it. I could imagine checking off several bucket list items…any combination of these would do, but I wouldn’t be opposed to having an extended honeymoon and doing them all either. Let Go of a Floating Lantern on a Beach Ride in a Hot Air Balloon Visit a Vineyard Attend a Beach Bonfire Go Skinny Dipping Learn to Dance Stand Under a Waterfall Visit Santorini, Greece Ride a Gondola in Venice

Stay in a Room Directly Over the Ocean Have a Healthy Relationship with a Man

That last bucket list item still seemed like a stretch for me. But it was progress all the same to even allow such a thought. I was typically much too logical and practical and realistic, knowing it just probably wasn’t in the cards for me. I’d been seeing things online recently about “ manifesting ” and maybe that’s what I was trying to do. It felt as foreign to me as deep breathing, but I decided to allow it anyway. “Everyone says you shouldn’t rely on another person to fill the empty spaces in your heart. They tell you, you are just as strong on your own. But the way I see it, some of those empty spaces are only shaped for another person to fill. It doesn’t matter how much I love myself or how confident I am, in the end I can’t hold myself while I’m crying. I can’t roll over and hug myself to fall back to sleep after a bad dream. Life is about love and love is meant to be shared.” TheMindsJournal I had proven my whole life that I could take care of myself, that I didn’t need anyone, especially some man, to take care of me. I was fully capable of doing whatever I needed to do or hiring someone to do it for me. And then I got honest with myself and admitted, it sure would be nice sometimes to have someone just to share life with. I had shared a lot of my life with John. But since he wasn’t around on any consistent basis anymore, I not only missed him, but I also missed having someone to share things with, not to mention having someone to hold me once in a while. I saw the following quote on Instagram that describes how it felt sharing my innermost secrets with John. He didn’t bat an eye. He didn’t look at me or touch me differently. The more I admitted I needed him, the more he was there for me. And in those moments, he felt so safe. “There’s nothing more romantic than someone choosing to learn you. Flipping the pages in your soul delicately and digesting your chapters with an open mind no matter how difficult or uncomfortable some of your moments read, treating each bookmark with no judgment, but pure love.” Unknown

203