Brave Enough To Be Bliss

I don’t remember exactly when, but likely when I began to read back through some of the emails, I had saved to begin thinking about writing a book, I told Ginger at our next appointment I was shocked at how many times I said the words always and never. I hadn’t noticed before just how much I used those words. Back then I was black and white. I liked everything to be definitive, predictable, clear, expected. Something unexpected, something gray, was unsafe. If I always did something or never did something, then there wouldn’t be any surprise, anything unexpected to contend with. And that’s what I expected of other people too. I wanted them to always be one way or never be another, so I felt safer and more comfortable. That, of course, is completely unrealistic and why my relationships suffered. The following article is very interesting… or if you are anything like I was, it may be disturbing at first. The thing is, once we become aware of our tendencies, we can make a conscious effort to do things differently. Once I realized I used always and never so much, I tried to catch myself when I wrote or said those words to determine if it was habit or if I had chosen the word because of some deeper fear. I learned a lot by going through this process. In recent years, I became friends with someone whose family used the word f*** regularly and it wasn’t any big deal, it was just another word used to say something emphatically. Growing up in a household where that word would never have been uttered and likely rarely even thought of, it took me by surprise initially. The more I got to know this person, and the family, though, it made me realize that we all have preferences, opinions, and judgments of words. They don’t consider f*** to be an awful word. They may refrain from saying it in some company, knowing it could offend others, but within the context of their family or home environments, it flows out of their mouths no differently than any other word. I was talking with my friend about how I hadn’t ever said that word , because it was so ingrained in me growing up that good girls never said naughty words, especially that one. She told me a story about a nun she was friends with who said that used in the right context, sometimes there was n’t any other word quite as appropriate as f***. And that made me realize we all attach our own meaning to words, even if we don’t find those meanings in the dictionary. If I believe a word is “bad,” then perhaps I shouldn’t say it. If , like my friend, I don’t believe a word is “bad,” then I may choose to say it. I t’s like I finally was able to experience my 20s in my early 50s because back when I was that age, I didn’t do the things that are expected of people that age. I followed rules, even if they were just the ones I made up in my mind. I was trying to be perfect, so when I realized I didn’t have to behave perfectly all the time, there was a freedom in being able to utter the word f***. It didn’t feel bad, it felt free. And I needed to feel free. I needed to feel I could make my own decisions in order to eventually trust my own decision making. I no longer view words in and of themselves as naughty, or as if I ’ m going to hell if I say one of them. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but for me, moving more toward gray in the use of words was a healthier way to approach my own language and kept me from judging others who use different words because they grew up in different environments. And quite honestly, I have to agree with the nun, in the right context there are times there is nothing quite as appropriate as that four-letter word. In writing this book, I considered taking the word f*** out completely , but that wouldn’t have been real or honest, so I chose not to. I decided my story is what it is and while I don’t say that word nearly as often as I did for a few years, I ’ m not going to pretend I never use it. It’s a word. Use it, don’t use it . Listen to songs with it in it, or don’t. Everyone has to make their own decisions, but this is my book so I decided to use the asterisks to meet people who may be offended by it in the middle. That felt gray, closer to a healthy center place to be. 15 Cognitive Distortions to Blame for Your Negative Thinking (psychcentral.com)

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