Brave Enough To Be Bliss

literally grew up before my eyes, so we simultaneously grew as mom and child. Because it was our first time, we didn’t have so many expectations of one another. She hadn’t ever had a mom before, so she wasn’t comparing me to the last one. It was easier to learn from my mistakes as a first- time mom because I didn’t have any past experience to beat myself up about, so I was more kind to myself, allowing my brain to focus more on the improvement versus the failure. Our relationship began with me believing she was intellectually incapable of not loving me, so my brain much more easily accepted that she did love me. I attempted to learn all I could about how to become the best mom I could be for her. I was willing to do whatever it took to have the very best relationship with her I could, no matter what that took, no matter how hard I had to work at it, no matter how much it hurt. Even when my behavior inadvertently hurt her, I never considered running away from her or giving up on being the best mom I could be simply because I felt scared. I invested in her. I invested in myself. And she invested in herself, and she invested in me. And that ultimately led to a healthy relationship. Initially I felt philia (friendship) love for John which then, because of the depth of our friendship combined with our insane chemistry, led to eros (romantic) love. As our relationship grew and I learned more about his past, his thoughts, his challenges, his joys, and his heart because he trusted me and shared so much of himself, ultimately, I chose agape (sacrificial) love even though I still felt philia and eros at times also. That is why I could so easily adapt to changes in our relationship, because I was leading from the choice of agape love. The behaviors and day-to-day interactions, and with that the feelings of philia and eros, would change whether we were strictly friends or friends and lovers, but the choice was agape love, and nothing about our relationship was going to change that. It was a choice of my heart and soul, not a feeling in my brain that was affected by the relationship. And even when we went through long periods of time without interacting and I missed his physical presence in my life, the choice to offer him agape love never wavered. The only pain I experienced came as a result of our relationship behaviors when we were operating from eros with all kinds of history, confusion, and expectations that we weren’t communicating about. I choose to agape love the human being he is. Period. I may develop philia, eros and eventually choose agape love with another person, but that will never change the agape I have for him. It is so hard for humans to separate love from behavior and the fear of potential pain, but when we do, that is when love flows from a well that never runs dry. Agape love doesn’t deplete the supply because it is a gift given without expectation or condition. It is not about the relationship. Relationships have expectations and conditions for good reason. They require give and take, replenishment, work, understanding, grace, and boundaries. Not agape. A relationship takes two people, but agape only takes one person because again, it doesn’t require anything in return. It isn’t painful because gifts given without expectation are simply gifts to be appreciated, thrown away, cherished or left unopened. When agape love is given all of those possibilities are already known potential outcomes that simply don’t matter . It is a gift purely offered from a place within that is so full of love and kindness that the receipt of the gift is simply irrelevant. To me, agape love is like when God states his name for the first time to Moses, saying “I AM WHO I AM.” (Exodus 3:14 NIV) To me, there is no reasonable explanation, nothing logical that I can understand or begin to wrap my mind around. And yet, He is. Love does not hurt. Life and human behavior, now that can hurt. But when we accept that fact, and don’t run from it but rather embrace it as merely a part of human existence, it makes the concept of agape love possible. When we understand love is different than the relationship, we can make the choice to love even when the behavior in a relationship may hurt. And where agape love is the firm foundation, healing within any relationship is possible. When I see videos or read quotes from people who have made marriage work, I see agape love. I’ve never heard one of those couples say life was perfect, we never disagreed, our marriage was without flaws …but rather they explain that even with the struggles of life, there was something at the foundation of their marriage that pulled them through hard times. I see that as agape love, the constant that remains, no matter what trials may arise. And again, agape love is not the same as a relationship . It’s not maintaining an unhealthy

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