Brave Enough To Be Bliss

On June 4, 2022, I woke up feeling very unsettled about a text response to my dad the previous day when he told me about a few minor health issues and how he might have to give up golf. He was 78 when this text conversation took place. I really had to think about it for a while , why I had responded as I did. It wasn’t like me to feel like I had been unkind or not understanding. I don’t know if that’s how it came across to him or not, but I knew it didn’t s i t well within me. It didn’t feel like who I was and how I normally communicated with people. And then I figured it out. Fear and control again. So, I sent the following text message to my dad. Good morning! Hope it turns out to be a nice day for you and your singles golf friends. I wanted to apologize for my lack of compassion recently with your health ailments and unfortunate things that happened this week. I am very sorry those things have been happening. When I thought about it this morning, I realized that, like almost all things that cause issues and disagreements, it’s about fear and the resulting behavior, control. As you know, we have FEARED losing you, so we have for years encouraged you to take care of yourself and go to the doctor and have appropriate tests, which is the CONTROL piece. We wanted you to do everything you could to be on this earth with us as long as possible and so when you wouldn’t we tried a number of tactics to get you to do what we wanted you to do so we wouldn’t have to be scared . You have chosen not to, and it is your life and your choice, and I need to respect that. You taught me never to give up, to work hard and always do my best, so I think when I heard you say things that didn’t seem consistent with those things, it was difficult for me to hear from you and so I responded with less compassion than I would for anyone else and for that I am sorry. Change is always hard, loss is always hard so I’m sure this time of your life presents difficulties that I cannot yet fully understand , but I can certainly listen and respond with more compassion than I have. Anyway, when I figured out this morning what was feeling off in my communication with you, I wanted to share it with you so you could understand where it was coming from and to simply offer an apology. I do want you to feel free to share your frustrations at any time. I just had to work through accepting that it is your life to live however you wish and all I can do is love you through it. Have a great day and I hope your wrist cooperates! I love you very much! It’s natural to love a parent, child, spouse, or anyone so much that you fear losing them . There are just relationship and financial consequences when we allow fear to drive our decision making in healthcare. Without this realization, if a serious healthcare issue arose, I would have been thinking about it with my own fears at the forefront instead of my dad’s desires. Fear is a big factor in healthcare expenses in the United States, because we fear death more than many other cultures. Our healthcare providers hesitate to have the hard conversations with families and bring in hospice care as early as would be prudent, so we end up spending much more than many other countries just keeping people alive even when they have no chance at any quality of life. We are too scared to let people go, so we prolong life when it isn’t even living. And we all end up paying for that in higher medical premiums and taxes. Having healthcare directives in place and having conversations with our loved ones while we are able to is a gift, so they don’t have to make the decisions for us if we become incapacitated. It’s much easier to let someone go when it was their decision versus having to be the one to make that decision for them. Free advice and forms are available at Advance Care Planning: Advance Directives for Health Care | National Institute on Aging (nih.gov). When we stop to think about what we are really feeling, especially when fear is involved, we begin to understand what is driving our behavior and we can alleviate many interpersonal conflicts by having open and honest conversations with those we love. Is it always easy? No, but it’s always worth it in order to better understand and trust ourselves and each other moving forward. I share these healthcare experiences for several reasons. My observation through the years is that we want healthcare to “fix” everything “for” us, but healthcare is provided by humans who cannot possibly know you as well as you know you. Being an active participant in your care is oftentimes the only way you will be able to find the answers you need to your own healthcare issues. If you do not share all of what is going on with you, including both your body and mind, healthcare providers are limited in their ability to treat you appropriately. Help them help you by being open, honest and prepared with all the information that is requested so you receive the best possible care.

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