Brave Enough To Be Bliss

herself not just professionally, but personally. She is lovable just like every single other human being on this earth. Even him. I saw him on Facebook. I was brave enough to look, to confront him even if only in a photo. I saw him and actually I just felt sorry for him. Not felt sorry in the way some might think, but just like I was looking at a sorry excuse for a human being. I saw him as the pathetic person he was who took advantage of an innocent, kind young girl. I just know enough by this point to know that likely he had some trauma of his own that led him to be so messed up, so yes, I can have an ounce of compassion for the person who raped me. I only hope that he has asked for forgiveness from God, since not me, and that he has turned his life around and has never hurt another human being as a result. Certainly, that may be unlikely, but that is my hope. I do still believe that every human being has the potential to turn their lives around, I have just learned that for me those people don't have to be a part of my life story anymore. Hate doesn't have a place in my heart, but healthy boundaries do so I will not be looking at that face again not because I can't, but because I am strong enough to choose the present over the past. One of the reasons the Mr. Rogers movie was so meaningful to me is that I see a little bit of me in him. I came to an understanding with God about a year after the rape because it was the only way I could agree not to kill myself. I determined that He must have kept me alive that night I wanted to die for some purpose, so after a lot of reading the Bible and talking to God, I felt it must be to try to make sure that no one I came into contact with ever felt as worthless and disgusting and unlovable as I felt. I told myself it took no special talent or intelligence, so even I could do that (quite sure that was me speaking to myself, not God). That was a noble aim, but what I missed in trying to model myself after Jesus, is that Jesus was also very smart and very talented and used those gifts to take care of himself at many times. While he ultimately sacrificed his life for all of us, I don't have to and shouldn't sacrifice myself for those I love. I can take care of myself, encourage other people to take care of themselves and in that way, we can take care of each other. Because I hated myself, all I could do was love other people which invited hurt people to take advantage of me and my kindness. Because I don't have to fear the past anymore and can see things as they happened, I have much more confidence in myself. I can show more consistent compassion, more consistent kindness, more consistent love because I've learned how the past continued to affect me so now, I can understand those patterns of behavior and how they no longer serve me well. I don't need to be protected anymore. There will still be potential pain in my life, but it won't be because I'm inherently a bad person who is ruined, responsible and unlovable, it will be because life is a series of events and feelings and experiences, some happy and some sad and some painful and some indescribably joyous. I can attest to the fact that living stuck in sadness and pain sure doesn't leave much time for the happy and indescribably joyous, though, so that's where I am going to try to live the rest of my life. Not oblivious to the fact that pain could come, but just so grateful for the present moment that I don't have time or energy for the past or future. Right here, right now...in this moment, life is truly good. I always enjoy writing to you whether you read it or not. Perhaps all this time I thought I was sending you things to help you, I was really only helping myself. Hell, I guess since you never respond, I don't actually know if you ever read them. And by the way, all those times I said you didn't have to respond, I always wanted you to respond. I was just afraid you wouldn't respond, so by saying you didn't have to, I guess I thought it would hurt less if you didn't. That never works, it still hurts, we are just fooling ourselves and setting up relationships to fail by saying things like that. I digress... But if you are still reading, you are a very good man, John, and you are infinitely loved by God, your mom and I can't confidently speak for anyone else, but also by me. I hope you don't ever tell yourself anything different. You're human, you've been hurt, but you are at your core a very good man.

Take good care of you, Ginger

I can vividly remember writing this email to John and feeling like this song sounds. And even if he chose not to be friends again, it felt like a turning point where I really was going to have a good life.

OneRepublic - Good Life (Official Music Video) (youtube.com)

“We often think forgiveness is about weakness, caving - in, or giving up. It’s not. Forgiveness is about letting go. It’s about reclaiming ownership of your heart, your mind, and your body. Forgiveness is about you deciding to no longer carry the weight some one else has put in your backpack. It’s about taking the bricks out and setting them down so you can move forward lighter and free. Forgiveness is about freedom. Forgiveness is about you.” John Delony I went for a long walk by the river that afternoon and when I returned to my car and checked my phone, I saw John had sent me a text. I don’t recall what it said, but he had read the email and acknowledged it. And maybe there really was hope that someday we could be friends again. On June 21, 2021, at 9:35 PM, Ginger Bliss wrote to Ginger Rothhaas: I realized when I was talking with the EMDR therapist last week and she mentioned a book, The Body Keeps the Score , that I had accidentally kept that book you let me borrow several years ago. That book accidentally got packed up with some other books and photo albums I was storing. Recently I moved them all back and thought I need to return it but then thought I should go ahead and read it since I’ve already kept it this long. I hadn’t started reading yet but after she mentioned it several times, I knew I needed to. I find myself wanting to highlight certain things so I’m going to look on Amazon and ship you a new copy instead of returning this one. So interesting all that happened with that book, but it’s here right when I need it. Sorry to have accidentally packed i t away all

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