Brave Enough To Be Bliss

I have two tattoos...one a semi-colon (suicide reference), and the second is the words be brave. On my way home, I felt like I wanted to get one final one that says...I am brave.

That’s how I felt...brave. Like I was finally able to not just logically know the things Ginger had been telling me and that I would tell anyone else...but I truly “felt” they were true for me too.

I can reflect on the experience, but I really don’t feel triggered by any memory of it and if I feel emotional, get teary it’ s really not because of the rape it’s because of how I suffered for so long because of what I previously told myself it meant, not because of the physical act. That’s on him...it was awful, but it was done to me, it wasn’t me, any reflection of me. I can see that now.

Thank you for that gift. To see the memory so clearly, that I had feared I couldn’t bear, but in reality, is what has set me free.

“Perhaps strength doesn’t reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.” Unknown

John had reached out one evening and we exchanged texts, but after making assumptions, hinting around, and not getting the assurance I wanted, I abruptly ended the conversation in a way that was typical for me when I was trying to push him away. That is what I am referring to in the start of the following email to him. On Wednesday, June 13, 2021, 11:48 AM, Ginger Bliss wrote to John: All I wanted to say when I asked you to call me is that I started feeling the next day after we were having the text conversation that you were likely just testing me to see if I'd have sex vs. reaching out because you cared about me as a person. So, I was desperately trying to get you to say something to make me feel that I was wrong in that thinking and when you didn't, instead of saying what I was really feeling because at that time I hadn't figured it out yet, I just tried to end our communication. I simply wanted to tell you that and apologize for all the times I did that instead of just being honest, even if it was after the fact. Not the purpose of me reaching out today, but just wanted to close the loop on that prior message I sent for me. So much has been happening and coming together for me, and I still wish I had you to share it with. Except I wish instead of the walls we had up, at least at times, I wish we could just always say the real stuff, the scary stuff. You have made it abundantly clear you are not interested in anything more than sex with me, so I guess I just don't understand why you can't at least be friends with me. I get you. I want the best for you. You've already shared so much, remember you said I was "too" close but that's what each of us needs, someone to feel so close to that it's uncomfortable, to push us to figure out what keeps us from living our best lives. Of course, the sex messed things up, so if we just agreed we won't have sex, couldn't we still enjoy the friendship? I'm not begging you as I'm doing well and I don't "need" you like I did, but I would like our friendship because our friendship was good and healthy, it was only the sex that got in our heads, I think. Do you disagree? Anyway, I know you have lots of people...and maybe you're seriously dating someone by now in which case I get it we couldn't likely be friends, but if not, just know from my perspective, you were a good friend to me, and I don't stop loving my friends just because they aren't talking to me. I had a friend who didn't talk to me for almost a year during the year I needed friends more than ever when Kylee was suicidal, but I never stopped loving her. I knew she was doing the best she could at the time. Her response to me hurt, but I never would or could stop loving her. In the same way, your lack of communication has hurt, but I never would or could stop loving you. I see all of your human flaws, you let me see them and that was a gift. We were hurt people, and we hurt people, in this case each other...but I believe hurt people can heal too which is why I'm reaching out to share what I've learned in case there's a nugget here or there that could be helpful to you or someone you know. I had a few dates a couple months ago and before a second date with this one guy, it hit me that his name was the same as the guy who raped me, Scott. I was determined not to let it bother me, but to make a long story short, I ended up having a trauma response which hadn't ever happened to me before. Ginger suggested that I try EMDR. I had tried it before at MOCSA shortly after I started to remember the rape. While I had remembered the rape in general and a couple details of it, I actually hadn't remembered the details of the physical event. Because I hadn't remembered it, I was deathly afraid of those memories, so I don't think I was open to EMDR eight years ago but with all the work I've done with Ginger, I think my brain was more open to it now. It was a very painful and awful experience to relive it all through EMDR, but I can tell you that it was also the most freeing experience of my life. What I learned is that the physical event, while awful, wasn't the most painful part. After I got home and was in the shower that night, it was the terrible things I said to myself in the shower that were the most painful and have been what have haunted me all these years. The last things I told myself were what I felt about myself and so because I panicked at the thought I could be pregnant and that was completely and utterly overwhelming to me, and it was at that point I told myself I would never think of that night again and simply dried off and went to bed...and I didn't remember any of it until about eight years ago. The thing I told Ginger, even before I started EMDR, was that it isn't the physical violation that is the worst part, it's the story we tell ourselves about what it means about us, that is what ruins our lives. The story I told myself in that shower is what led me to hate myself more than Ginger has ever encountered anyone hating themselves, she told me last week. So instead of being in the top 5 self-haters group, I had the awful place of being the top self-hater. To say it has been hard and painful is an understatement, but I can also say that I am so very grateful that God connected me with Ginger. She has literally helped me save myself. Ginger led me to the Ginger I never knew I was. The Ginger that everyone else saw, the giving heart, the caring spirit and outer shell that carries some

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