Brave Enough To Be Bliss

From: Ginger Bliss To: Ginger Rothhaas Sun, Jan 24, 2021 at 12:12 AM

I think I know what the problem may be. After I was raped, and because I had never had sex before (barely even messed around at all), I know I told myself I was now ruined, dirty, filthy, disgusting, used trash that no man would ever want. After I drove myself home, I can now remember standing in the shower saying these things in my mind and then I panicked, afraid that I could be pregnant. I think that is what pushed me over the edge and made me shut out everything. It was too much. I told myself I had to just hope I wasn't pregnant and try to forget it ever happened. After that, I started eating I guess to stuff down the feelings. Then that summer I stopped eating and started exercising because I had gained so much weight and hated the way I looked and felt. That is the summer I wanted to kill myself. I had sex with one of the guys I told you about after my freshman year of college thinking that was the first time (until I remembered it all a few years ago). He of course didn't really care about me, he was one of the ones I told you about yesterday who always flirted with me and acted like he liked me, but never asked me out. After that night, I repeated all the things I had told myself after the rape even though I didn't remember the rape at the time. A few years later I remember having sex with a football player and saying it didn't matter because I was ruined anyway, and no one would ever want me. I don't know why I did it, I didn't even like him. It was meaningless and I hated it. In fact, I hated it with everyone (not that there were many more, but a couple) except the couple I trusted. With John, I honestly didn't feel bad about it or used for the first time in my life. I'm not saying I wasn't used given his unexpressed lack of feeling, but I didn't feel like it at the time. I felt like it was my choice, and I honestly did think he cared about me and maybe even loved me. So, I guess that's why I kept hanging on. I think when it comes to men, I have felt like used up trash for so many years...unwanted, unlovable trash so I let them treat me that way just hoping that maybe one day one of them would actually love me. So, I guess I take care of them so they will need me because even if they don't want me or love me, I can keep them around hoping maybe one day they will change their mind and see some value in me and then maybe one day actually love me. I settle because I haven't thought I've been worth any more than that and was lucky to have any kind of attention. I think that's why I've been back and forth so long with John. The old me would give in, then the more educated me would say no I deserve more and pull away...but then I'd feel bad about myself, and he would be there, and I would give in, then I would want more, and he would pull away or I would pull away when I didn't get it. And on and on and on... So now I know...men remind me of being raped, being treated like trash, being used, being disgusting. So, it's like I become that person again who doesn't defend herself, who doesn't use her voice and scream or yell, I just lay there frozen, unable to move...and even outside of sex, I let them say and do whatever to me and I simply endure it. That summer after I tried to kill myself, I went to live with my dad, and he made me sign a piece of paper saying I wouldn't try again. When I talked to the counselor, I had no idea why I was so sad. I told her it must be because of my parents’ divorce, feeling they didn't love me, etc. I honestly remember thinking; I don't understand why I am so sad and not being able to figure it out. I decided I would work hard at figuring it out and getting better and would focus on building a career. After reading the book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People ...again, just thinking it was the divorce that was the bad thing that happened or just knowing that bad things happen to good people in the world, I decided that I was still on this earth to make sure that no one I knew ever felt as alone and unloved as I did. That I was alive for that sole purpose, to make people feel seen and valued and loved. And I would use my career to do these good things and to be successful once in my life. At work I could be someone different. I invented a strong, independent, successful, respected persona. I would not be taken advantage of. I would not be less than a man. I would be equal to or better than the men I worked with. No one would work harder than me. I could compete at work. I was capable and strong, and I would show them how good I was. I felt good about her. I liked her. She was everything I wasn't.

So, now I think I understand it and hopefully that means I can stop it and never let this happen again. I hadn't ever really thought it all through before. My career was my power...the only place I felt I had any.

I just looked up North Kansas City boxing and guess what, there is a place 1.3 miles from me. Bricks Fitness...looks small, so maybe I will feel less uncomfortable. I just sent a text to a friend asking if she would go with me for the first time and she said she would. But then I started bawling. Any idea why that would be? I feel better now, and I really do want to do it. I'm just scared. I don't like new places. The night I was raped, I went to this house I hadn't ever been to before. It was big and different guys lived on different floors and I got left on the first floor. Even though I knew of him, I didn't really know him since he was older, so I guess new places and new people would have a reason to scare me. I could go to any business function and be ok, but personally I have a terrible time going anywhere by myself where I am supposed to meet people. Stores or anywhere I don’t have to interact with people socially it’s fine. I guess it makes sense to me now, though, and is understandable.

I'm going to have John's W2 sent to his house. I don't want any reason for him to reach out. And I sure as hell don't need to help him with anything.

Ok, thank you for letting me sort through all this...not that you really had a choice, I guess you could always delete without reading which would be ok too. Just needed to write it out to get it all figured out, I guess. I feel more secure and hopeful that perhaps I can really not succumb to this terrible pattern and poor judgement again now.

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