Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 3 — Blissfully Bolen

“Do things for people not because of who they are or what they do in return, but because of who you are.” Harold S. Kushner

When I was unsure if Kylee would make it through that dark time, I kept an imagined picture of her at her future wedding in my mind. For some reason I felt her vows would serve as the signal to me that she was truly going to be OK. When I could let go of the worry and the fear. When I could breathe a little more deeply. And that day came much faster than I had ever imagined back then. And it was a very good day. The pandemic created problems for many brides, but Kylee got lucky with her venue in Hermann, Mo. Since the venue was in the country, there weren’t the strict rules that many wedding venues had to follow in bigger cities. Guests could wear masks if they wanted, but it wasn’t required. And I’m pleased to report that none of our guests contracted COVID-19 while at the wedding. When two weeks had passed without hearing anyone was ill, it was a great relief to us all. Kylee had asked me to go wedding dress shopping with her prior to the official dress shopping day, so she could narrow it down to a more reasonable number to try on in front of all her bridesmaids, Will’s mom, and others she had invited to share the day with her. It was very obvious to me which dress was her choice. She lit up when she tried it on, so I knew it was going to be the one regardless of the input from others. And in usual Kylee fashion, it turned out to be the most expensive one she tried on, but that was alright with me. That was my big gift to her, since her dad and stepmother had generously covered the majority of the wedding expenses. And I was just so happy she made it to this day, it was pure joy to be buying her the dress that would help her feel as beautiful on the outside as she is on the inside. She told me she wanted me to wear a gold dress, which turned out to be a big challenge. Right after the wedding, of course, I saw gold dresses all over, but beforehand, nope. I looked in stores, I looked online, I looked in St. Louis and I looked in Kansas City. It was July and I still hadn’t found a gold dress that was lightweight enough to wear. I ordered a clearance one online, but when it arrived, the material was much too heavy for an outdoor wedding on September 5 in very humid Missouri, so it wasn’t going to work. I had exhausted all my options, so I finally broke down and went to a bridal store, where I was prepared to spend too much in order to get a gold dress as she had requested. Kylee was with me, we both agreed on the style, and I placed the order. She told me I could get it in pink if I wanted, but since she had specified gold for all these months, I stuck with gold, thinking that’s what she really wanted. When the dress came in and I went to get it fitted, it was tighter than I had wanted it. As you may recall from the Food=Life chapter, I don’t like anything to feel tight on my body. But that’s what the dress was, tight . It zipped up fine and I could sit in it , but I just didn’t like the feel of it at all. It didn’t feel comfortable, and I wanted to feel comfortable. But the wedding was only a couple of weeks away. Left to my own brain, it could have been a disaster, but I saw Ginger soon after and she helped me think through the stories I was making up in my mind. If I hadn’t s een Ginger, I likely would have starved myself for the couple weeks leading up to the wedding. She helped me see it wasn’t the disaster it felt like. I had spent more money than I wanted to get a gold dress, so I at least wanted it to fit well. Ginger helped me realize the things that made me feel badly about it were stories I made up in my mind. The facts were, the dress did fit because it zipped up without any problem and I could sit in just fine too. It was just a preference that I didn’t like to wear things that fit my body that way , but it wasn’t true that it didn’t fit . So, telling myself I was too fat for it just wasn’t real. It was just a mean thing to say to myself. Having found self- compassion with her help, I set out to make sure I didn’t gain any weight, making sure I exercised regularly and didn’t binge. And in the whole scheme of things, it was one evening and I’d never wear the dress again, so if it was tight, it would be tight, but I would get through it. All that really mattered was that Kylee felt utterly beautiful on that day.

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