Brave Enough To Be Bliss

John left a coffee cup or two at my house, and I made sure there was coffee stocked in the cabinet. He also left his reading glasses there. And when I saw them sitting out in the office or the kitchen, it made me smile. But not the JV smile really, not the one where I’m grinning ear to ear . This JV smile felt softer and more comfortable: maybe not as telling on my face, but to me it said everything I felt when he was with me. This smile felt easier, more relaxed, safer and warmer. It felt more like a home and less like a hotel where you’re just excited to be there for a little while. This smile felt like it could last much longer. The pandemic’s quarantine had just gotten underway, and he asked me to come over to his house that evening. It was late and I said I already had my pajamas on. He said, “That’s OK , just come over anyway.” So, I threw something over my short nightgown and headed two blocks away. He knew I loved music and wanted to learn to dance, so he had tried a couple times to show me how to move my body. He’s smart, and he knows me very well, so on this night, he knew how to break through. He knew the key was teaching me to let go. We were in his kitchen on the hardwood floor, and he told me he was going to pick me up and I needed to put my arms around his neck and wrap my legs around his waist. So, we did that. I didn’t see where this was going at that point, but I woul d soon find out. Knowing I don’t like to be surprised, he told me in advance that he was going to start turning around and when he told me to, I needed to trust him and let go. I was beyond scared to do it, but I listened and I trusted and just like parasailing, it was an amazing experience. Even with the fear, I had chosen to listen to my heart and just…let…go. And it felt like freedom, the kind where I wouldn’t have to escape back to the safety of the prison anymore. At some previous point during that six-month period, while we were making love, John asked me why I was there. I didn’t want to answer, so I tried to kiss him. He persisted, so I finally said, because I love you. Out loud and I wasn’t even embarrassed about it. I had sometimes said it in email at various points for five years, so it didn’t even feel all that vulnerable. I thought he had to know it, he had to feel it , so why was he making me tell him? But I did the brave thing, and I simply told the truth. On this very memorable first pandemic quarantine night, he asked me again. I said, “ I already told you once and you know why I’m here.” He persisted. So, I said again, “ I love you. ” And, at that moment, I knew he loved me too. It wasn’t a question; the only question was if he was ever going to be able to say the really big word to me. Everything felt so good. We had fun. We had a few fireball shots. We laughed. We sang. We danced. We were living and we were loving. All night long. And I didn’t want it to end . Morning always comes, but this time I knew that morning wasn’t signaling the end of anything. I felt like we had finally made it to a new place where we were both feeling safe and that this time, neither of us would run away. I almost felt sure of it. We had barely slept, but I didn’t notice or even care. And I didn’t give a damn if I was late to w ork that day. I was determined I wasn’t going to make t he same mistakes again. I had learned. Things were going to be different. I was going to be different. It was finally going to be our time to give each other a real shot. I let him mention work first and then without fear, I headed home with a mix of the two JV smiles on my face, because it felt like we had experienced it all. The fun and excitement of pure passion, along with the tenderness and comfort of being in the arms of someone who loves you. I walked into my house feeling like this song sounds and replaying the night over and over in my mind.

Ed Sheeran - Shivers [Official Lyric Video] (youtube.com)

Until…

I got in the shower and before I knew it, I remembered. I’m unlovable. He hadn’t actually said the words, that he loved me, so what I was feeling just had to be my wishful thinking again. I told myself to get back down to reality, and quick. It was a great night, but it didn’t mean anything to him. I stepped out of the shower just as he texted me. I opened it, still dripping from the shower, and he had asked if he could come over before going to

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