Brave Enough To Be Bliss

I could take a leap of faith that a relationship with John would work and be sustainable. I talked about how it could end, so it’s better not to try because of the pain of losing that. She then explained that I was foreboding joy, believing it was better not to love John because then I might lose John. We then talked about how my behavior toward him reflected this fear-based belief. ▪ Below that, I could tell this was going to be inquiry work, a process I learned about in a book authored by Byron Katie. Ginger asked me what being with John gave me and I said I could be more real than ever, fun, free to be me, and able to laugh. I didn’t have to be perfect, he liked me better being authentic. He encouraged me. I didn’t have to try (probably should have added the words “as much” to be fully honest on that) . I felt safe to tell him (more things than I had told anyone) . ▪ Then in the middle of the board, she wrote examples of how I thought I needed John to validate me. ▪ I complicated the relationship worrying that I would lose him. ▪ When I saw a therapist at MOCSA, I was encouraged to “work on me” because that was the only person I was in control of. ▪ And then the bottom line, which is where she crossed through John’s name in those two places, was that I could give myself all those things. And I needed to in order to have a healthy relationship with anyone. It always came back to me…and that was the part that turned out to be so very hard and painful to change even though I wanted to do so very much. By then I knew I couldn’t get anywhere continuing to berate myself as I had, so I left reminding myself what she had taught me from the start: This is tough. Others are in a mess too. I can figure this out.

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” Maya Angelou

Kylee seemed to be making progress: her new therapist was great, and she didn’t even complain about going to him, so I took that as a very healthy sign. There was still work to do, but everything was looking up. So, with her nursing school graduation approaching, I was in the midst of party planning and asked her what brand (within reason) of champagne she wanted for her party. She had been through so much and was still standing, so we were going to celebrate. She responded with her preferred brand but said anything would do if that kind was too expensive. You’re worth it! It’s a big - time celebration, young lady! You’ve survived too much not to make this something you’ll always remember. You’ve had seven years of hell on earth and you made it despite everything. You’ve worked so hard, more than probably anyone knows except me because I watched you through it all, day in and day out. You’ve been through so much and yet survived and are on your way to learning how to truly thrive in this life and I know you’ll be helping others in SO many ways throughout your lifetime. YOU deserve a celebration that you can always look back on and be reminded of what you achieved that would have broken most others including maybe even your strong mama! You’re my inspiration and I admire you and your strength so much. You’ll do many things in life, and we can’t celebrate every one exactly like this, but this one, this post seven years of hell, you deserve only the very best because that’s what YOU gave even when you didn’t think you wanted to or could. You dug deep and you said f*** you to very hard times and PCS and divorce and floods and moving to multiple places to live and all kinds of bad shit I may not even know about and still you managed to give your best and show up and ACHIEVE what most others could not have done. You, my dear, deserve the biggest, best celebration ever and even if I had to work for 20 years to pay it off (won’t take nearly that long so no worries), I would do it in a heartbeat! So, you just sit back, relax and only worry about soaking up each and every minute and having the time of your life celebrating, along with all the rest of us that will be celebrating

126