Brave Enough To Be Bliss

I cut up fruit including a banana that had ripened (strawberries and grapes too). I noticed how brightly colored the mix was and enjoyed every bite. It looked healthy and appealing, and I felt that way also.

I took my usual walk, and my shins didn’t hurt, and I felt alive and strong. I knew my opportunities to enjoy this walk were ending, but it didn’t make me sad. I soaked it all in, the beauty surrounding me, my deep breathing as I walked uphill, the sweat t hat started to form on my face and down my back…it all just made me smile and I felt like I had my mojo back and I decided to email the recruiter when I got back to the room. I then sent an email to follow-up with the recruiter. I had stated in my cover letter that I would follow-up, so I wanted to do what I had said. I also felt that based on what the description said they were looking for, I had a little more information that might be helpful. I realize that the recruiter may just not present me as a candidate, but if I didn’t at least share this additional information, I felt I might be missing my shot…so I figured what the hell, and I sent it. Either way, I will at least kno w that I did everything I could to try to get an interview. I have always felt if I get a chance to interview, I’ve got a really good shot as I know I can sp eak confidently about my strengths and then if I don’t get the job, it’s simply not meant to be, no t the right thing for either party. I just want a shot at it…but this time, even if I don’t get an interview, I will know that I was brave and I believed in myself and maybe that’s all this is really for. Maybe it’s best I stay where I am for some unknown reason at this point…but whatever the case I believed in myself and my abilities and that’s enough. I am not unhappy where I am, so I have nothing to lose at all. I showered and went shopping in the afternoon. I started out focused on what I could get Kylee. I realized what I was doing and shifted my focus to me. Not that I wouldn’t get her something if I saw it, but I wouldn’t seek something for her overlooking for myself which is what I had always done. I found a couple pairs of shoes that were on clearance that I liked, so I bought them along with a new suitcase. I tried on a couple suits just in case I would get an interview, but they didn’t end up fitting well. I loved them, just not on me. For the first time ever, though, I didn’t feel bad about myself, they simply didn’t work, but it didn’t mean I was fat or ugly, they just weren’t made perfectly to fit my body but that didn’t mean I had to beat myself up becau se of it. This was huge for me. I could have had a meltdown inside based on that one experience that could have ruined at least the day if not the trip. I bought Kylee her favorite cookies and I could have eaten half of the box or all of the box if I had allowed myself to go down my usual path of thinking after an unsuccessful dressing room experience. I ate two cookies (they are little cookies and there were 15 of them, highly recommend them from Paradise Bakery Chocolate Chip Chippers they’re called…if you can get them warm, they’re even more amazing). I sat on the deck while the sun went down and wrote a text to John. I decided that I wanted to tell him about the job application before I tell the CEO on Monday because his comments about my work strengths helped me decide that I needed to try to go where my strengths lie and he gave me an idea of how the organization could be even better off without me. Day Five (October 14, 2018) I am so happy I can write again. It feels so good! It has been so many years since I could really write personally, and I am thoroughly enjoying it. The massage was perfect. I’m so glad I spent the money on them. It’s hard for me to do things like th at for myself, but I’m so glad I went ahead. On the way to the airport, I had a nice conversation with the Uber driver. He was from Serbia. I’ve realized that it’s not ne arly as scary talking to people I don’t know as I thought it would be. It usually just takes one question and then people continue the conversation, and I don’t have to worry about anything except asking the first question if they don’t. It’s so much better th an pretending I’m busy on my phone the whole time so they won’t talk to me because I’m scared. At the airport bar I read a bunch of magazines I had brought along so I didn’t have to haul them on the plane back. I just to re out the articles I wanted to save. I sent a text to John with a complete feeling of release. I said all I had to say and thought I had trouble letting him go because it was easier to hang on believing if he didn’t love me no one would be able to, then let him go and b elieve it was actually the only way someone would be able to. I had to love me before I could let anyone love me. Not really even just a man...anyone in reality. I wasn’t wholly me, I kept much of myself hidden afraid of being the me that is confident and believ es in herself and knows she has positi ve things to offer this world. Afraid that part of me wasn’t real having believed that I was only here to be of service to others, not worthy of loving myself or being loved by anyone else, afraid of being brave and independent and speaking my mind and being bold and being proud of saving myself and deciding to live. I sat by the window on the plane and watched during takeoff, no anxiety, used to have to take Xanax. We are making the final descent into Kansas City, and I am happy to almost be home. I can look out the window and see the beauty of the lights and realize all I have missed through the years by not looking. I have missed a lot of things through the years because of fear, but while that brings a tear to my eye, it mainly brings hope to my heart that I now have the choice and the chance to experience all life has to offer for as long as I live it. And actually, I now realize the tear it brought to my eye really wasn’t in regret but rath er with happiness that at least I am not on my death bed realizing this. Whether I have five minutes or 50 years left, I have the chance to truly live and love and give freely without needing or even wanting anything at all in return. I have all I need inside me. And at the very moment I wrote that, we touched down safely. I am home and I am at home within me. I returned to the hotel and went to the bar and had a couple drinks and the hummus plate (i.e. pita bread and carrots and there were cherry tomatoes that day that I also ate).

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