Montana Lawyer December 2024/January 2025

PRACTICING WELL Navigating Tough Conversations: Tips for Civil Discourse MERI ALTHAUSER

Are we trying to understand each other? Are we trying to identify a solution? Nothing irks me more than folks having a rousing conversa tion just to hear themselves talk… but, if that’s the name of the game it may not be important to be involved at all and you can busy yourself with the dishes. But you might also decide that this conversation needs to be interrupted before anyone gets personal. If there’s a possibility to build mutual respect, rather than simply declar ing a winner, then this conversation might be worth salvaging. With curiosity, try asking “why do you want to talk about this now?” 2) Listen actively and be curious. Don’t assume your opponent is going to say just what you’ve already heard on the news and is full of garbage. Hear out the position and get curious about clarifying their reasoning. Even if you only spend your time listening (without agree ing) you have likely built a modicum of trust that will go a long way when it’s your turn. Don’t forget that as an attorney other people probably hear your clarifying questions as cross-examination questions, so be sure to watch your tone and non-verbal communica tion to ensure you’re being curious and not trying to prove a point with your questions. If you’re having a hard time not getting cross-ex aminy, try mirroring: just say the last few words the other person said with a curious tone. “With a curious tone?” Yes! With a curious tone. Then the per son will likely continue to volunteer more

Happy early winter, Montana Lawyers. I hope that you’re staying warm and that the hol idays treated you well. In our current political climate I’m guessing the holidays entailed a few if not many awkward or uncomfortable conver sations with family over hot button topics (or taking valiant efforts to avoid hot-button top ics- that’s my signature move). The good news is, it’s not over! The Montana legislative session is now under way and with that brings more opportunities to see real change but also to be increasingly concerned about our collective fu ture concerning topics we hold deeply personal. Cue the dinner table difficult conversations! In our roles as attorneys difficult conversa tions are fairly second nature. Learning how to facilitate a passionate conversation, and to find the right balance between being curios about a position to understand it versus being persua sive about a perspective takes lots of research, practice, self-awareness and education. But the role is not as clear when it comes to general conversations, right? We can facilitate a difficult and civil conversation when we’re in charge of it, but when it’s our own thoughts or a conver sation with friends and family the plan gets a little murky. What we know about building consensus might fly out the window when things feel personal or when consensus feels unattain able. But it might also feel like avoiding topics altogether is no longer an option. Retreating and keeping to one’s self is just not a helpful solution. Watching the turmoil in government and politics is already stressful enough, so let’s not let uncomfortable conversations with family and friends add to the strain. To help reduce stress about political discourse, let’s strategize. Here are a few tips for having civil conversa tions in your personal life (hint: they’re nearly the same for work!) 1) What’s the purpose of the conversa tion? Does someone want to walk away from this conversation the victor for victories’ sake? The thought of stepping into difficult conversation terri tory in our personal lives likely strikes fear into the hearts of even the strongest orators among us (or is it just me…)

After over a decade of practicing family law and mediation in Missoula, Meri Althauser stepped into the role of Admissions Director with the Alexander Blewett III School of Law in June 2023. Her approach to law focuses on collaboration and solution-finding for her clients and their families, and now for mentoring students. She also offers consulting services in workplace well ness, with a certification as a Workplace Wellness Specialist through the National Wellness Institute and as a Resilience and Thriving Facilitator through Organizational Wellness and Learning Systems.

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