Escapees January-February 2023

camping chair chat

“Things I didn’t even think about when I was younger are now constant irritants, reminding me I am de fi nitely in my 80s.” Isn’t It Fun Growing Old?

In the blink of an eye, I have reached my eighth decade. I look in the mirror and I can’t believe I’ve turned 80. My heart and brain keep telling me I’m still in my 30s. Then, I step on the scale, and that is when I’m certain I’m 80. Things I didn’t even think about when I was younger are now con stant irritants, reminding me I am de fi nitely in my 80s. I try to stand and I can’t get my knees to unlock. If I manage to stand with out wobbling, my feet are sliding in opposite directions against my will. S peaking of feet sliding in opposite directions, the other day I was taking a shower. Now, this is a shower my husband, Gabby, and I recently had installed in our full-time, stationary house to replace the bathtub with sides that were too high for me to safely step over. This new shower has a built-in seat and two safety bars. I bought an overly large shower mat, and I was feeling perfectly safe. That is until after showering and rinsing off! I scooted toward the edge of the bench in order to stand with the help of the safety bars. The bench was soapy and suddenly I was off the edge. I grabbed both safety bars and tried to stand but, with soapy hands, I wasn’t able to hang on. I was running out of luck as I slid completely off the bench and bounced onto the shower fl oor. I was stuck with no strength in my upper body to lift myself back onto the bench. I called out to my husband for help! He came into the bathroom as fast as his walker would let him. If I were a decent weight, he would have been able to pull me up. He tried, but alone, getting me off the soapy fl oor was impossible, so he called 9-1-1. (Oh, no. Not again.) He brought a pillow to make me more comfortable and then unlocked the front door for the fi re department. Minutes later, four tall, tanned, lanky, good-looking EMT/Firemen squeezed themselves into our tiny bath

room. They arrived so quickly after Gabby’s phone call to 9-1-1, we didn’t have time to cover me up. (Or, maybe Gabby was so busy trying to get me comfortable, we just didn’t think of it.) One of the four Hunks said, “Oh, what a nice bath room.” Then, he and Gabby went to another room to fi ll out paperwork. Another Hunk stepped into the shower, and he kept asking, “Are you hurt?” “Only my pride.” I kept responding. (I didn’t realize I was hurt until the adrenaline stopped coursing through my body. However, it was only a pulled shoulder muscle. No big deal.) Then, another Hunk stepped into the shower, scooted behind me and secured a belt under my boobs. He told me to cross my arms over the belt. (If you are counting, that’s two Hunks and one embarrassed 80-year-old woman in one little shower.) As the two started to gently lift me off the fl oor, I think I heard them panting and grunting as though they were out of breath. (Dang it, I’ve got to lose weight!) The last of the four Hunks was standing between the toilet and the shower, facing me. As soon as I started to get my feet under me, he grabbed me around the waist and helped me step out of the shower. All the while my arms were still tucked under my boobs, which were slapping him on the chin. Slap left, slap right. No wonder my husband wasn’t able to heft me up alone. It took three of these Hunks to get me upright. I’m maintaining, there ought to be a law against tall, lean, lanky, tanned, good-looking EMT/Firemen coming into my dinky bathroom while I’m lying naked and spread-eagle on the shower fl oor. My gawd, if they’re going to pick me up, they really should take me out to dinner fi rst.

And, if I hear, “Isn’t it fun growing old?,” one more time, young or old, fat or lean, male or female, that person is going to need an EMT/Fireman. Hey, Escapees, let’s be careful out there. Janice Lasko #14104

Opinions contained in “Camping Chair Chat” are not necessarily those of the Escapees RV Club, its o ffi cers or the membership in general. This column is for Escapees magazine readers to share thoughts, ideas and helpful hints. Escapees RV Club accepts no responsibility for what is expressed here by any person, group or company. If accepted, submissions will be edited for magazine style and formatting. Submissions that are sent by e-mail can be directed to departmentseditor@escapees.com.

22

ESCAPEES Magazine January/February 2023