Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Chapter 14 — The Power of Hugs

“When someone who cares about you hugs you, hug them back with two arms. Don’t do the one -armed hug. ‘ Cause when you hug with two arms it allows you to lean on somebody, and we always need someone to lean on.” Sandra Bullock John comes from a close, large, very verbal Italian family. That was one of the things that was most different about us and something I admired a great deal. All of it: having a large family living close by, having lots of family celebrations, being able to say whatever was on your mind, and eating all that great food. He brought me a couple cookies after their Christmas celebration one year and I’ve tried to find the same kind at several Italian bakeries since, but I haven’t identified any that were quite as good as those were. Perhaps it’s the fact he brought them to me that made them taste so special. I t’s hard to know for sure, but I’m still on the hunt. I noticed how he would hug and kiss his family members when he saw them. OK, not kiss them like he kissed me of course, but just very warm family hugs and kisses. That was another thing I so admired about his family. There wasn’t anything that was held bac k when they greeted each other. No discomfort. No embarrassment. No awkwardness. They were excited to see one another. The hugs were big and long and the kisses were unabashed. I didn’t ever tell him any of this, of course, it’s just something I thought ab out when I would see him greet a family member around the office or when we were in public, and he ran into one of them. I wished I had those experiences. It just looked so…loving, safe and warm. To be greeted so affectionately. For your arrival to bring someone else such excitement. To be held so firmly in another’s arms. I wished he would greet me that way. I wished the af fection wasn’t tied to sex. I wanted what they were getting from him, just to be walked to my car and kissed on the cheek again, or in the morning at the office when he’d say, “Good morning, GB,” to add in a firm, long hug like I saw him give other people. That looked like affection a person could count on, like I would only feel better about myself after that instead of how I felt when he would leave after we had sex most of the time. Sometimes it wasn’t like that, but he always left, and that part didn’t feel good. I didn’t ever say anything, even in writing, I just watched and wished it was me. All the time I watched and wished, though, it never occurred to me to think about the fact that I didn’t greet anyone in my life the Visani way, especially him because what if he didn’t want me to ? The awkwardness or withholding of warm greetings between us felt like when the little boys growing up had a crush on me, but then were mean to me. And as I got older, the boys who acted like they liked me would want to talk to me and eventually kiss me, but then would ask someone else to prom. I never understood what I was supposed to do or not do, it just never felt like I did anything right and I always ended up feeling hurt and alone. I do realize now, though, with John, I was expecting to receive something from him that I never let him know I wanted and that I never gave to him or anyone else. There were days that I knew were rough for him , but I didn’t ever walk up and hug him. I can’t recall ever being the one to instigate any physical affection. I was too scared of being rejected. My office was actually a patient room with a sink, so sometimes John would come in and brush his teeth. And after a while, he just stored a toothbrush there, perhaps the same one I brought back from my apartment in Overland Park. I also kept a file for him of benefits information and any other important documents he asked me to since as a health care provider, he didn’t work from a private office. It became an annual tradition for me to help him send an email with all the needed attachments to his accountant to prepare his tax return. And if he hadn’t been able to get away for lunch or was just hungry, he knew he could come in and grab a snack from my snack drawer. He would often go swimming or ride his bike and then come back in the evening to do some work, or perhaps sometimes just to have a “good talk” with GB. We gave each other rides when our vehicles needed to be serviced. That came about because early on we were talking one day, and I told him I had to spend a lot of money the day before getting my headlight replaced. He said I had spent way too much and told me about his car guy, who I think the world of and still use today. I’d mention his name under Resources, but he’s already too busy, so you’ll have to find your own car guy. One year

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