Brave Enough To Be Bliss

presence to yourself." When I couldn't work with the MOCSA therapist anymore after her promotion, I remember how devastating that was. This made me think that another benefit to you being named Ginger is maybe that can even more clearly help me transition to myself over time. Clearly, I'm not there yet, but perhaps this is just another benefit and God knowing I need all the help I can get making that transition, so this may help my mind adjust better over time. All the similarities that we have help me to feel so comfortable with you and that you "get" what I'm saying which has made such an impact and really sped this process up because I don't hesitate to share with you and feel your understanding. And perhaps the understanding I am giving myself is easier because of it. I guess sometimes I think what Ginger would say to do or suggest I say to myself, so eventually I can say that and really be referring to myself. Also, I had always really hated my name and probably more so just hated myself so hated the representation of myself in a name. Because I see such beauty and strength and intelligence and grace and love and confidence and caring and giving in you, I am able to say my/your name and "feel" differently about it than I have in the past so it's changing those negative thoughts I have about "Ginger" every time I think of you or say your name, etc. Anyway, that just hit me so thought it would be worth sharing. As I was walking that morning I started realizing as vehicles would pass by or a bicyclist, thoughts went through my mind without me even realizing it about how hard I was breathing or was my form correct or was I too close to the road and unsafe or would they stop and try to take me or come back for me later or watch each day to see if I took the same route and then do so or did I look fat and they wonder why I was running/walking because clearly it wasn't doing any good or any other number of things like that...it struck me that that must happen all the time without me really realizing it and stopping it. It was another example to me of how my friend has said, "you must be exhausted with all those thoughts going through your head." As if the exercise wasn't enough. Anyway, when I realized this, I started focusing on the beauty around me. I started looking at the cactus, the sky, the ground, the houses that were being built, I started thinking about retiring here and how I wouldn't need a big house like these but just something small and easy to maintain and I pictured me happy, in the sun, content, peaceful.

Cactus representing a life analogy... My mind then started really seeing the cactus, an analogy that I hope to take further. I took pictures of all kinds of cactus and felt like they represented people, all living in the same area, but so different, with different experiences, some healthy and some not, the arms were like relationships, situations, things that happen to us, choices that we make...deviations that take us away from our souls (the core of the cactus, the straight part that I assume feeds the rest)...if we give too much to an arm/piece of our life it can drain us of our resources and we can struggle/die if it's too much to sustain our core/soul or moves us too far away from our self/soul...or these arms can be enhancements that make us more beautiful, balance us for the long haul of our lives. Anyway, those are just my notes, but I was thinking I could use the photos to write something that was more well thought out and visually represented what I am learning about life and living and loving. It was just so very clear that morning, so I'm hoping that it will all come back to me, but it was very exciting and clear and just really spoke to me. That was such a better feeling than having all those thoughts about what other people were thinking...and of course, I doubt anyone was thinking about me at all when they passed by. it was just all my fears and while I think there is healthy caution all those thoughts were simply making me crazy and truly not doing anything to make me safer. So, I have to let those go that aren't bringing value to my life. And I'm sure that's 99% of them!

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