Autumn Years Winter 2023/24

IN MY WORDS

“What Is a Man without His Sword?” By Ruth A. Levy, PhD, LMFT

A n article in the New York Times once asked the question: Why is it so difficult for men to form close friend ships? Immediately, I thought of a follow-up question: Why do some men suffer from poor relationships with their fathers and sons? Very often I have found these two problems exist side by side in many of the male patients with whom I have worked. Their initial presenting problem may be a distant or conflictual relationship with a fa ther or a son. A fuller picture will frequently reveal a lack of close, meaningful friendships with other men. When asked about friends, they may refer to their work colleagues as friends despite never really socializing with them. If they are married, they admit to relying on their wives to provide the couple’s social connections. Unfortunately, when retirement comes to pass many of these same men are disap pointed to find themselves without any meaningful friends. In contrast, by the time retirement age arrives, women can generally name a few close female friends. After all, when women get together, their conversa tion will easily become personal. Ordinarily, when men gather it may be over a work issue or sports event. Generally, this kind of activ ity does not lend itself to talking and sharing of oneself. So, why do so many men come up short when it comes to having close, intimate guy friends? And, most important, why do their connections suffer with their fathers and sons? To help motivate my male patients in thinking about the importance of their rela tionships with the men in their lives, I find it helpful to give a brief history of the men’s movements and the influence they have had for certain groups of American men.

GETTING IN TOUCH WITH ONE'S FEMININE SIDE The first men’s movement was in spired by the feminist movement of the 1970s. If women were now ques tioning the gender traits that society expected of them, why shouldn’t

FATHERS TO SONS The third movement consists of two specific groups during the early 1990s. First, The Million Man March brought together thousands of African-American adult men and boys. The purpose

was to highlight the importance of men sup porting other men and to offer role models to their young sons. Around the same time, evangelical Christian organizations held large meetings called Promise Keepers. Their goal was to re-establish male responsibility in the family. Each of the three movements challenged men to re-think what it means to be mas culine in today’s world. Men can become hands-on-fathers, heterosexual men are given permission to be emotionally close to other men and they can stop putting work before their families. Hollywood reflected these cul tural shifts with the popularity of bromance movies. Television shows joined in with TV dads who were warm and approachable. Even with these observable changes, unfortunately, some men are still suffering from their inabil ity to form close male friends. Conflictual relationships take time to im prove, and making new friends as adults can be equally demanding. Watching or playing a sport can be fun but adding activities con ducive to talking is what will maintain and nurture a friendship. Although making new friends is not always easy, it is still possible. Our self-esteem, our feelings about ourselves will benefit greatly. Ruth A. Levy has a private practice in marriage and family therapy in Engle wood, NJ, and taught psychology courses for St. Peter’s University at Holy Name Medical Center School of Nursing in Teaneck, NJ.

men do the same? The concept of mascu linity and the effect on men’s self-image was challenged. The image of the 1950s father who placed his work life over his home life was rejected. Men began to embrace qualities that were not considered manly, e.g., expressions of vulnerability, nurtur ing, caring for the home. The movement encouraged men to learn from women, since as a group, women knew how to have intimate conversations and how to nurture and care for others. MEN NURTURING MEN The headline above is a quote by Robert Bly, poet and author and considered the father of the second men’s movement. He lamented the passivity and lack of strength in the young men that he encountered. In contrast, women appeared more assertive in their self-expressions. In his influential book entitled Iron John: A Book about Men , Mr. Bly warned against men who embraced their feminine side at the expense of mascu linity. He wrote, “The primary experience of American men is now the experience of being inadequate.” His analysis was that men longed for the emotional connection and approval from their distant fathers. The modern man needed to reclaim his mascu linity by seeking the company of other men.

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AUTUMN YEARS I WINTER 2023/24